So here we go with another spiritual update. As of the last few days the ol’ spiritual life is going pretty good. As well as life. I am enjoying it heaps. Especially the mad lightning storm last night. I am really drawn to the lightning for some reason, I love it. I’ve had some good highlights which you’ll hear about in the general email. But anyway heres a few more things I have discovered over the last little while.
Insecurity
First of all I have discovered how insecure I have become again. Pretty sad coz I thought I was past all that but one night I went to a bible study in our dorm and there was this guy that was younger than was running it. I got intimidated spiritually coz he is more spiritual than me and I am used to being the one running the group. Anyway so satan was trying to make me have a scab attitude. You know. Thoughts like ‘what would he know he hasn’t gone to bible college’ ‘yeah so what if he knows that, I bet I have more friends’ etc etc. But I admitted that to him and the group and I did pretty well during the bible study. But then after it was over I was still intimidated and scared that ‘what if he is better than me’ So I started thinking things like. I bet hes no good at sport (turns out he wants to run a marathon!!) Yeah well I bet he’s not writing a book…so on and so forth. That just made it pretty plain obvious that I am totally insecure and my sense of worth is not coming from God like it should be. Need to relearn some lessons.
And a little while back in Sports Psychology we had a talk on Goal setting and how it helps with sports performance, I got to thinking, I wonder if I should apply goals to my spiritual life and then I remembered what Paul said.-
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)
Phillipians 3:12-14
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Anyway the point is. Goals are good and I have been running aimlessly without them.
I have been waddling along with no goal, or a real broad one that I forget about (pleasing God). Instead I have just been becoming passionate about a million things (I could name at least 20!) Whatever tickles my fancy at the time. Without a goal there is no purpose or aim, just a wasting away of life. So I have come up with a few goals.
Video game decision Every hour I spend playing video games I must spend an hour with God. Have stopped playing internet games and started playing the Nintendo instead! I spose at least it is interaction with others.
* To remember certain Bible verses
* And probably some other ones. Either way. Its good. Go goals. Pity Collingwood doesn’t share that attitude.
Another thing I have learned. I knew but my memory has been refreshed. People are not projects. You don’t just go round and hang out with someone like they are a project, otherwise when my side of the project is complete (them becoming a Christian) then I have no use for them. I have never been their friend I have just been working on them like a project. I realized I did this the other night. And not even coz I love God that much it was more the fact so I wouldn’t feel guilty, so I could say, hey I did something.
Oh yeah I have been struggling with guilt a fair bit lately too I reckon. Ive been finding it hard to figure out which guilt comes from God. Like when I feel like I shouldn’t be doing something, is that God or is it not. Its pretty hard.
And lastly…
I am discovering more and more how dependent on God I really am. I think I have realized how much I suck, but I am even finding out that even after all God has done for me I still can’t choose to choose him. Even knowing he is real and knowing what he has done for me and I still can’t follow him with all my heart, I can’t even make a commitment to do that because I know I will fail at every turn and be sinning within the next day. I need his help so much. I know so much that I will fail trying to listen to and obey his voice. In saying all that I don’t want to try place all responsibility on him because it is my responsibility when I hear his voice not to ‘harden my heart’.
So, spiritually I would say I am getting better. And life wise I am going great. So much fun stuff is going on. Lets hope I can remember God when I am doing it, which by the way I have been doing a bit more which is good. He deserves all the credit for any fun I find in life and I’m finding a whole lot, and If I can’t find it I will make it!!
Hope you are all doing sweet
Love Andrew
PS: Looking forward to some good God time (and Derek) in NZ.
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