Spiritual Update 3

Well, after a lot of procrastinating on the computer playing games its time for another spiritual update. Last time you heard from me that’s what I was struggling to do. Spend time with God and not play too many computer games. Anyway the next week I did end up doing really well setting aside time for God each day, but the thing is, I didn’t remember him during the day, at all. And these last 3 or 4 weeks I have hardly remembered him during the day at all. And after that one week the quiet times stopped also. I don’t care for them if they don’t help me to pump it up with God throughout the day and I don’t understand why they didn’t help me remember God during the day, but, they didn’t.

Don’t worry, im not going out doing a whole heap of bad things during the day. Its what I am NOT doing during the day that worries me. I heard something really good on Christian radio back in the rat (yeah that’s right something good on Christian radio) anyway the guy was saying there are sins that you commit…for example the sins in the ten commandements. But then there are also sins of omission (leaving something out, for example not loving your enemies, forgiving people etc etc) and those are the things I am very guilty of. Things that God commands us to do and I have failed to do. Mostly for me its keeping my eyes fixed on God. Mmmm sins of omission. They are probably worse because you don’t think they are so bad so you fail to deal with them. Like you’ll treat a broken leg but you’ll hobble around on your untreated sprained ankle. I once wrote down in my journal that Christians should be known not for what they don’t do, but for what they do. So, that being the case, I am not doing the best. Please pray for me that I will not sin by leaving things out the God wants me to do, (Listening to and obeying him).

Heres some other thoughts and things I reckon could be useful. The first thing sounds really bad but follow me through to the end of it. If you don’t it wont make any sense.

Well, I’m helping out disabled kids in schools for one of my subjects. I was thinking the other day ‘what is the point’ we push them around in their wheelchairs and they are oblivious to what is going on. But that’s not my point. It brought me to my point which was, ‘why don’t we just shoot them, they can’t think, can’t speak, can’t do anything useful for society.’ (Like I said follow me with this). I am talking about severe cases of Mental retardation where the people cannot do a thing for themselves.

You see, we put down animals which are of more use than these people we euthanise people who are terminally ill and we put down people in comas, etc, etc and to me these people seemed a lot like that, except for the fact their heart was still beating without the aid of machines etc.

Anyway so I am thinking, why don’t we and knowing that there must be a reason why and looking for that reason. I tried to look at anything useful they could contribute to society but there was nothing, they cant speak, dress, understand…anything. But then I thought well, how else can they have value. Yeah God made them but that sounded really soft to me so I kept looking. Maybe I don’t understand the value God has placed in people like I should, otherwise I might have accepted that answer, knowing that peoples value does not come from their contribution to society…just because I couldn’t find value it doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.

I got down to thinking. The whole point of this life is to bring glory (fame, attention, praise) to God. And then it became clear to me that these sort of people bring the most glory to God. By far. They never take the attention away from him like I do. They never stand on a stage with their shiny clothes worshipping God, all the while taking the attention off him. They never have anyone say ‘oh, hes a good bloke’. They never take any attention from God but they sure bring attention to him. First of all for his goodness to everyone else. Secondly because people that come into contact with them have to practice real selfless love, no thanks, no gratitude, no upgrading in society. Selfless love. So to cut a long story short. I am the one that should be shot. I should be put down; I take more attention away from God than I bring to him. I probably take more attention away from him than I GIVE to him. Seriously.

That’s a pretty humbling thought. I probably need a few of those…so heres another one.

One day when I was back in Sale the rain was pouring down, so Derek, Sarah, Sean, Kristen and myself trekked to my house to fetch the boogie boards. We got back into sale to a massive puddle we spotted as were traveling out to my house. We were doing our thing, running up skimming across the water on the boards, having a pretty good time. All except for Sarah, she was a bit scared to give it a go. She didn’t want to get hurt, so she had a few weak attempts basically walking up and falling onto the board. We had to pressure her pretty bad.

A while later I spotted what I thought was a cameraman taking photos of us. So I went up and said we could pose for some action shots. I went back and told everyone else and the four of us that had the boards, and even the one that didn’t (Sean) charged through the puddles and dived as hard and as fast as we could. We all went flying. Even Sarah.

After that I went up and talked to him. I think I said something along the lines of ‘what paper do you take pictures for’ or some trash like that. Anyway, turns out he was only a tourist from another country that had never seen people doing that before. Oh well.

Now for the point of this story… Suddenly Sarah didn’t need anyone to tell her to run faster she was lightning, suddenly Sean didn’t even need a board to skim across the puddle with!! We are so quick to suddenly bring glory to ourselves and so willing to do risky things to look good (get our pictures in the paper). We aren’t worried about consequences, we see the goal and we ‘go for it’.

How is that like with God. Am I that willing to jump at the opportunity to please God. Have I got my eyes fixed on him so much that I don’t worry about consequences or risks that I just ‘go for it’ like I did that day on the boogie boards and have done countless times since, for my own glory. I could give you numerous times where I have done something people will laugh at me for just to get a bit of attention (who knows how many times I have dress up as a girl now??!!)

The point is I seem more concerned and more willing to make sacrifices for myself than I am willing to make sacrifices to God. Sad. Good sadness…godly sorrow.

The last thing is a more happy God speaking to me occurrence.

One is that all girls are in actual fact beautiful (in the shallow skin deep sense of the word). You see, we are so surrounded by all these trashy sleazes and all these girls in magazines and on TV that if we see anything less that that we call it ugly. But guess what.

I was just imagining Adam by himself and then suddenly God creates what nowdays we would know as an ugly, fat, pimple faced woman. Im he would have been the last person to be complaining. I’m sure he was drooling and I’m pretty sure his fig leaf would have been raised within the first minute of seeing her. She is beautiful. No doubt in my mind. This scum jox world is the only thing that has made her ugly. Comparing.

Ooooh dont get me started on comparing, this whole world is set up comparing everthing. I hate it. Ooooooooooh mad. Most every compliment we give is a comparison. Think about that. Anyway, i wont get myself too worked up.

Aside from that. Another thing about girls. I have also realized how generous God has been in making them. The reason is, because he has made them so good, attractive etc, He has opened himself up to the risk of us boys ignoring him completely (vice versa). And in a lot of cases that is what has happened. What a generous God. Heres something you can say every time you find yourself looking at a girl ‘thanks God for risking me being distracted’

Well that’s about it. Its been good to hear some stuff from God and I hope it helps anyone out. Just remember to pray for me to focus on God. And on witnessing verbally again. Its the best, Sarweeeeeeet.

Love ye’all

Lorrrreeeeeee

Missouri State

Good evening, I’m Tony Tardio and this is Seven Nightly news.

Andrew is not feeling well so I have decided to fill in for him. I was inspired to do this by a certain Sam Kelly, worlds best soccer journalist. Like all reporters I am just given the information and told what to say so anything I do say that offends my millions of viewers just know that it wasn’t me. Anything on the other hand you liked, chances are that I made I wrote that part.


Breaking news tonight Andrew is set to appear on MSN @ 9 or 10 pm Aussie time, the exact dates are yet to be confirmed but if you are on at this time you are assured a chance to speak with him. DON’T FORGET.

Also making headlines are corduroy pillows…

No, really making headlines is the new film he is about to appear in the land down under. With its catchy, well thought out title, ‘The tour of Missouri State University with Andrew John Lorimer’ is set to hit Australian shores in late September.

However, controversy erupted upon release when angry male protesters wrote letters to Mr Bush. Heres one of them….

Dear Mr Bush…

Whine whine whine I cant get any girls anymore now that he has appeared in this film…winge binge, winge binge…chiseled good looks…sook sook….stunning features…cry cry cry…outrageous…sulk sulk…

Yours truly,

Jealous Jipdol


In other unrelated news Andrew has taken the lead over fellow Australian and arch rival Kevin Jackson in the ‘embarrass yourself marathon’ Over to Christine for the latest…

‘Hi Jim, im here at the cafeteria where Andrew just majorly put his foot in his mouth. Here with me is Alison white. Now Allison tell me what happened.

‘I walked into the café having just woken up when I caught the voice of an Aussie accent. I turned around to be greeted warmly by Andrew, I wish that was where the conversation stopped I really do’ *tear, tear* ‘please go on’ ‘anyway he then asked me if I just woke up to which I replied ‘yes’ I think he was concerned because my face looked pale and my hair was all over the place. But what he said next just stung ‘yeah I thought so, you look really bad’ I only managed to muster a sarcastic ‘yeah thanks’ before walking off and then contemplating hanging myself’

In a later press conference Andrew revealed that he was meant to say ‘are you feeling ok or are you sick?’ and said he was just concerned with the pale face. He is unsure of the next step in the reconciliation process and would like, YOU, his faithful listeners (especially females) to give him some advice. Here are his options

A) write a letter
B) next time they meet, try to explain his way out of it and most likely dig a deeper hole for himself
C) forget about it
D) Put your suggestion here?

In entertainment Kelly Clarkson listening has been at an all time high and watching people on your floor play video games until they offer you a turn is also on the rise.

Onto Aussie word management. Twice today it is alleged that Andrew called a biscuit a cookie. Stunned onlookers say he wasn’t happy with that sort of performance. ‘Telling himself off and shaking his head’ is how one of them described it.

Making headlines in education news ‘Out of nowhere assignments’

Rumor has it that in PED 485 Sports Psychology two Australian gentlemen as well as a host of Americans did not log on to the internet to find they had an assignment due. Teacher Dr Greg Masterson came to collect the ‘so called assignments’ at 1pm to find them as undone as a 5 year olds shoelace. Class members were then given until 5pm to complete them. With one more class for that day between then it was needless to say students were stressed out.

‘Ummmm, Excuse me writer, if it was needless to say then why did I say it??’ ‘your on air’ ‘umm moving on’

Now for sport, here’s Greg

Hello, Andrew has recently been dubbed a ‘sport sleaze’ as he is moving on from one sport to the next like a train moves from one spot to the next picking up random people…sounds like a great new word to describe night club scabs… “aaah ya train”…I like it… Stops every 5 minutes just to pick up… But I digress.

His latest victim is Racquetball. He recently joined the Racquetball team which he believes should be called the ‘Hack it ball’ team, because any hack can join. His recent win against experienced MSU Racquetball team member earned him the nickname ‘the wizard of Aus (or oz)’ The hard fought victory was quite fortunate as his opponent severely underrated the unexperienced campaigner. The match didn’t begin until 3 v 0. Which Andrew won 11 v 10.

Back to you Tony.

Now in Andrews defense I sincerely belive that his motives for joining taking up Racquetball are pure. Heres what he had to say in his post match interview with our very own Bruce MaccaImSoVainy’. ‘Look, I know it may look bad but these Americans feed me sooooooo much that if I took up every sport in the world I would probably still put on weight, stupid Americans, I reckon they put sugar in their water’ ‘you do realize I am an American’ ‘yeah look at you, my point exactly’ ‘you stupid Australian Q@@%*&…’ As you can see, the interview was cut short at this point. So lets move on to the stock market

Stocks in New Friends Inc continues to climb, while TV watching is down 24 to 5 minutes, Free internet has skyrocketed while its counterpart PartyPoker is practically bankrupt, Pacman high score remains steady at 73,000 Also rock solid is class attendance, although investors are “losing interest”, lovinURaccent has remained strong despite fierce competition, the globalization of Andrews stomach appears to have reached its peak, while toilet humor has taken a sickening plunge.

Now for the weather

The past few weeks has seen frequent smiles, with some fairly big frowns blown in from the south… and north come to think of it (deep). Slight patches of sport and homework have also made there way over.


The 7 day forecast (sorry its not a Year In the Son)

Mild to moderate homework followed by strong gale force partying. Slight patches of ice skating are expected, followed by freezing cold embarrassment, laughing is also expected to follow. Swells of up to .03 feet are set to occur in some areas.

A mold front is headed towards armpit cove and teethville but it shouldn’t get past the brush in Colgate. If it makes it to the mainland whirlwind flossy will offset its effects.
There may be a shower or two…oh and it might rain outside!!
There is also the prospect of plenty exciting times ahead


Well that concludes our broadcast, I’m Tony Tardio, stay tuned.

If you figured out what went on for me in the last while you have done well. Not too much really exciting happened and Sammy inspired me so I decide to write a different genre of trash. Anyway hope you enjoyed reading it…and you better go back and look for all the funny jokes…yes there were funny jokes in there and if you don’t laugh I will come back to Australia and beat you.

Love you all
Andrew ‘the wizard of AUS’

Get it. Well rounded as in i am fat...*no response from crowd*...yeah well i thought it was funny and that is all that matters. The world revolves around me...get it, coz i am so big. Ok i give up.

Hello there. Some of you probably thought i was dead since i havent written an update for so long. Some of you on the other hand probably wish i was dead so your inbox doesnt flood. Well too bad.

Its time for another routine inbox flood.

Here are some things americans do not know...now, there are a lot of things americans dont know but here are some things they will admit to.

Flogged- as stealing something

Chuck- as throwing something

Mate- as a friend

Bloke-as a boy/man

You're right, shes right as a reply to someone thanking you for something

Biscuits- they think scones are biscuits!

Cuttlery- they think its silverware, now we all know silverware is the stuff your mum brings out when important people come over for a meal. AKA (Good cuttlery that never gets used)

There is a first time for everything in a new country. And i have experienced the glory of a fresh start ten pin bowling. My first bowl on american soil. A strike...mind you, it wasnt really on american soil, it was in a bowlin alley on polished wood. So forget the American soil part. So anyway i ended up bowling my highest score ever, without cheating, a dismal 139.

In other sporting news i went to St Louis to play in my frist racqetball tournament. I got bundled out of B grade losing both times in 3 sets. (You play a max of 3). And in C grade i lost the first round which put me in the hack or consellation division and i ended up losing in the grandfinal in 3 sets 0 v 11, 11 v 10, 11 v 1...racquetball is a weird game. I was well and truly pantsted in the first set and then won the second. Anyway i didnt get a trophy, what a rip off.

I also recently played a game of kickball. It was the best game i have ever been involved in. I played with a busted up toe, i fell up a set of stairs earlier that day and mashed my big toe. Anyway my team was down 7 zip after the first innings but eventually 5 innings later and a whole heap of slides into base from girls, That was exciting to see! And we had won the game by 3 runs. We had this one guy who lit up and was smoking right through his run up and kick of the ball. What a contradction playing sport and smoking at the same time. How reeeediculous.

While i was in St Louis i had someone take me around to find a boogie board. A rare sight when you live 1500km from the nearest ocean. I think the 4th store we went to had one. A usless spongebob duncepants and it set me back over $20 aus. I was so desperate, we have been getting some great puddles to slide round in. But since i have bought the boogie board. NOTHING. oh well. I cant wait.

I also went to watch this production there were dancers, an awesome band, army people shooting of a cannon and doing push ups, cheerleaders but it was annoying coz every few minutes these fat chubs would interrupt with a game of football then they would get tired and the concert would resume. Useless American football. I heard we had a good Granny back in Aus. One of my friends here has recorded it for me. It will be a relief to watch a real sport.

One more thing. We were playing Kelly pool at kevs party the other night (its his birthday on tuesday for those who know him, send him an email, underboolcc@hotmail.com) anyway i had 2 balls left on the table and there were 3 other peoples balls left. I thought oh well i will just bash em as hard as i can. And guess what. All three went in, leaving mine exactly where they were. I could never do it again in a million years. I was a stoked as a hot coal.

Moving on to the weight department, as you know i was 173 pounds when i arrived and i am still a steady 173. Hahaha, buns buns as fast as you can you cant fatten me says the gingerbread man.

I have also decided i have to favorite words. One is baggataway...one of our professors is an absolute champ and we love the way he says that word so me and kev always say it. But the other one is a famous baseballers name. Pujols (pronounced poo holes) no joke. So all these americans go round saying, did you see poo holes hit the home run the other day. We thought it was so funny so anytime we think something is good we just say poo holes...maybe you have to be here. Its hillarious. Anyway watch out for him he will probably win MVP this year for major league baseball.

Moving on to other highlights.

It was a historic day when we spread on our toast, a black and ugly spread known to the world as vegemite. None of the americans liked it. To tell you the truth it isnt quite jam or honey in my books either. But i swallowed my pride and tasted some sweet patriotism...whatever.

University is going well, quite easy but you have to get 90% to get an A and 60% just to pass so i reckon it evens out.

I went to the biggest fishing store in the world. Quite fitting really, biggest fishing store, biggest bicepts...it was huge, the store that is, so much stuff. I will have to go back and explore sometime.

Kevin overtook me in the embarrassment stakes dy dropping his tray complete with plates and cuttlery but i soon had my comeback with a dropped slushee on the counter of a servo. This is gunna go right down to the wire.

There was also a wicked fireworks display put on, by God. A thunderstorm. Oh man it was so good. I got some of it on video. I watched it for ages. So much power. I was just standing there in awe.

Ill finish on a deeper note; its been interesting opening my mouth and being a celebrity. Im not being arrogant. Im being serious, if i say something people are all over it. They immediately take an interest in me and want to get to know me, i am forever getting comments on how great my accent is. Especially from the ladies. But you know what. Even though that is what most people in this world, including me, long and dream for (other people to love and accept them, to be the centre of attention) i think it is so shallow, there is something more, something better worth living for. I was just feeling really empty. Not sad. Empty. Funny when what you dream about comes true and it is not enough. Where does it get me when i am about to die, to know that everyone around me loves me. Nowhere. Living for God is not empty though and i know it will amount to something, anyway just thought i would share that.

Righto...thats enough out of me. See ya

Love andrew.

Spiritual Update 2

Well hello there. Its all been a bit of a struggle of late

First of all, God has just shown me how sinful i am. And i am realising more and more that 'my righteousness is like filthy rags' Wonder what my sins are like?

Just when i am doing ok and life is good my spiritual life turns to scum. Hmmm. Doesn't take long to fall off the top of a mountain into a valley does it? Lately i have been getting far too busy doing too many things and not having time for God. Some of these things are good, like sports and making friends but others "PartyPoker" cough cough...is not a good thing at all. I was recently addicted to that. Like 2hrs a day addicted. What a waste of life. So i have given it up for a week and hopefully forever. Time is far too precious, its just about the only thing people...myself included wish that they could get back on their death bed. I should be doing something useful for God or better still spending time with him.

Yeah so thats one thing but then there is this other thing, i havent even been stuffed spending the time i do have with him. If i have time i just sit there and wait for the next 'something else' i have to do or i just go and do something else anyway. Lazy and undisciplined.

In all seriousness i have had no real desire to even spend time with God...apart from being legalistic and thinking i may not get into heaven if i don't. You all probably know what i am talking about there. Anyway, i know he DESERVES all of my time and i know that i should want to spend time with God because of who he is, not because i think i will go to hell if i dont. How wrong.

But i spose all this is good coz while i am surrounded by all the best things in the world. Good food good friends good sports, good university and good looking girls!! I am not satisfied and dont even feel close to being happy or whole...Godly discontent..i wonder if thats an oxymoron...shut up your a moron!! Maybe i just need to sit down and 'put God first'. Now theres a great idea...gee thats pretty much what the whole Bible is about and was written for. Funny how long it takes me to figure things out.

Theres a mirror in our room and i keep looking at myself in it. And it seems that when i was looking in it the other day that God said i have been doing a bit much looking at myself. Ive got my eyes on me and not God.

Then i thought of a verse. Hebrews 12:2 'fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith' but then i reckon God made me think of the verse before it. Gee great idea, thats usually the way you read a book, its funny how we choose to read the bible differently and get a distorted view of what its really saying, anyway so i thought about the verse before it 'Throw off all that hinders...' and then linked them up. 'Throw off all that hinders by fixing my eyes on Jesus'...i guess if i read the bible properly i would have got that a long time ago. But i am glad i realised this.

And then also i have realised that if your eyes are fixed on Jesus then other things will also help turn your eyes to him. You could even get to a stage where you are playing party poker with your eyes fixed on Jesus. Obviously i am a long way from that. Everything in life can turn your eyes away or to God. Music, girls, sport...whatever.

Anyway that may also be why quiet times are a struggle, they are the easiest and probably most effective way to fix your eyes on Jesus. And satan sure does not want me doing that. So anyway i will have to pump out the old discipline. This may mean getting to bed before 1...idiot. Then if i pump out the discipline i will prolly get self righteous or religious...haha young beth stennet was right when she she life is all about balance. Thanks beth :)

Anyway, thanks everyone else for listening to this trash. Hope you can learn something from it so you dont turn into a spiritual unco! Its all about co ordination GO P.E.

See ya.......Andrew

Sports Report

Down this end of town it is alleged (footage available..we just have to reenact) andrew came charging through for a bouncing ball and was hacked by a certain K Jackson seding him face first into the "fake grass mixed with little rocks" field. It is alleged that the little stones ended up in places such as andrews crack. He was also complaining that his shin splints were 'aggrivated'. In the post incident discussion there were no hard feelings. The aggrivated shin splints put him out of any action whatsoever for the long weekend as he was going to try out for the raquetball team on the tuesday. He made it to the meeting and found that 'anyone could make it regardless of ability' quite annoyed andrew proceeded to beat one of the newbie hacks and then asked one of the regular team players for a game.

According to onlookers andrew was 'severly underrated' due to his lack of knowledge of the rules his unorthodox style and only 3 weeks experience. His opponent soon realised it was game on at 3 zip down, so giving himself a lecture he proceeded to play against the 'hack newbie from Aus' as he was labelled in the papers pre game...minutes later and it was 9 v 5 and lookin in the bag for the aussie...who was later dubbed with the name 'wizard of oz'.

But the match didn't end as it started. Experience kicked in and before the newbie knew it the score was 10 v 9. Match point to the experienced campaigner.

Unfortunately (for him) he could not finish the match off and the 'wizard of oz' came back to take it 11 v 10...post game interviews were conducted and 'the wizard' had this to say...

'Stop calling me wizard, he was just a hack...ok he wasnt really i am a wizard'

'I knew i had it the whole way'...'even when you were down 11 v 10'...'yeah i just wanted an exciting match'

Well thats about all i have to say for myself. Thanking you for another fine report. Hope your life is going as good as farsenal are at the moment. Look foward to hearing from you again. See ya mate.

Andrew