Hello there, and welcome to seven monthly news. Im Tony Tardio. Join me for the next half hour as I try to make random things in Andrews life seem vaguely interesting.
There comes a time in someone’s life where they must say goodbye to things, people, countries and food. To ensure going out on a bang an Australia day party was planned.
A pre-party game of Aussie Rules Football was played. Fun was had, tackles were made and hands were frost bitten. Heres Jeff with more
Thanks Tony. Im down here at the soccer field behind woods house where rougly 2 teams of 8 people have turned out to play some Aussie rules in the snow. Some in shorts and without gloves; others…with brains. As you said, fun was had as the Americans seemed to enjoy playing a real game of football. The aussies also had fun tackling them as they haven’t seemed to grasp the concept of getting rid of the ball, sources believe this is due to the fact their version of football is different. Other sources believe that Americans just like hot Australian guys like Andrew chasing after them! To sum up the game was the winner. (i.e Andrews team lost) Back to you Tony.
Thanks Jeff. In that time I have quickly run from the studio over to Woods 10th floor for Australia Day. Posters have been hung everywhere, kangaroo road signs, vegemite sangas, fairy bread. Its all here. There is a vegemite sampling tally going on over to my right. Im just going to go see the results. Wow, the yuks seem to be outnumbering the yums 10 to 1. One girl was even reported to have put her head over the bin and pull her hair back as she thought she was going to throw up. Andrew and Kevin are having a ball torturing these poor Americans. Fairy bread however is the much preferred food it seems.
I have just heard some rumors that the nutbush will be performed in 5 minutes. I might try the vegemite challenge while I wait.
Hello there, it seems Tony is vegemite intolerant so ill be filling in for him for the remainder of the program. As he spews…I mean, as I speak the room has been turned into a dance floor. Everybody is grooving to a dance the Aussies call the Nutbush. It seems the Americans did not know about this dance, but it looks as if they are more than willing to give it a go. Video evidence of this may be shown at a later date. Andrew had to persuade one of his more modest friends into doing the dance by agreeing to dress up as a woman for ‘ladies night’ at the next MSU ice hockey match. His friend was quickly up, on her feet and dancing.
After this a few people sat down to watch an Aussie favorite, the Castle. Most would agree this is the greatest film to come out of Australia.
This concluded the party. But afterwards Andrew and a few people were up for a game of Wahoo. A game like trouble (you know the one where you pop the thing in the middle to roll the dice) the only difference is that when you land on someone you get to go forward 10 spaces. Currently Andrew sits undefeated at this game. Friend Lindsey seemed unlucky to lose in their last match as she made it to the last square and all she had to do was roll a one to get the last marble into her home base. 20 failed rolls and Andrew was able to send his last marble ¾ of the way around the board to snatch an unlikely victory.
We managed to catch up with Lindsey post match and she had these words to say. “Unbeleivable”. We caught up with Andrew and he put the loss down to dice rolling skills and lack of strategy. Although Andrew is great and we like to believe him, the odds for him winning from that position were less than 2%
This win was revenge for a “pantsing” Andrew copped a few days earlier playing foosball. The scoreline 10 vs 0. The room was soon evacuated and Andrew dropped the pants and walked glumly around the table determined to do better next time. He didn’t.
On a more happy note Andrew made his way across to Hammonds house for his final game of Bond. It was an emotional time for the boys and Andrews team capitalized early, Taking 2 out of the first 3 rubbers. The match was then evened at 2 all before their opponents jumped to a 3 v 2 lead. Their opponents, unbeaten since the season which started 10 weeks ago looked to keep their record intact. The 6th and final rubber was intense. 19 kills each (first to 20). Andrew saw an opportunity to sneak up on someone while in battle, not knowing someone else was doing the same to him. He caught a glance of the radar just in time to turn around and put a bullet in his face. Finishing the game, the night and the season. A draw. Andrew was overhead screaming loudly, although he said the result was no fluke.
In other sport news Andrew attended a Yoga class and found it pretty good and relaxing. He may look into this more when he return to sunny Australia.
He also had exams in this time. Which he describes as “easy”. He expects to pass with flying colors. And he expects flying colors translated to good marks. His advice “if ever you want to pass a subject go to America, even if you don’t pass just cry with an Australian accent and they will pass you”
This was about it for his American adventures. He was very sad to say goodbye, which he didn’t believe he would be when he left.
Before long he was on a plane in Los Angeles headed for Auckland with a little stink breath kid next to him who kept trying to sleep on him as well as elbow him at regular intervals. He touched down safely and is not complaining. Though if he sees the kid again he swears he will make his face as ugly as his breath.
While Andrew loved seeing familiar sights such as BP, the warehouse, etc. The language barrier seems to be bothering him more than it did in America.
As he went to pay for a night at the backpacker hostel our undercover cameras caught him make a rather embarrassing mistake. I would like to book in for 2 nights thanks. So you wanna chicken. Ummm excuse me. You wanna chicken. Andrew told us his thoughts at this point were, 1) maybe this is a term they use to abbreviate a 2 night stay and 2) maybe they give you a complimentary chicken if you stay 2 nights…serious.
Neither of this turned out to be true, all the girl wanted to know was that I was checking in. (Check in). Hahaha hilarious.
In NZ Andrew has found a bit of time to check out…as opposed to check in, some good sights and have a good think about things. He has decided that if there is a God (and he has no doubt there is) then it’s the only thing worth living for. He has also had a chance to think about eternity and deep stuff like that.
Andrew is pretty down at the moment. He seems to be missing friends in general, it seems he needs people around him. Here’s what he had to say. I miss you all you are all great, I really wish I was home at the moment, dang its lonely. Writing this helps me not be so lonely so thanks for reading it, if you haven’t then shame on you…but then if you didn’t read that far you wont have read the shame on you part either…hmmm. I have a plan. Header
Now onto the weather.
Its seems we are quite snowed in (haha Snowden) with loneliness at the moment and cant see too far past that. When it does clear up there will be spontaneous patches of photo taking, followed by gusts of excitement. Gale force winds are blowing money everywhere which may be countered by a North Easterly job search. The real weather has been wet but still a heck of a lot warmer than Springfield’s winter. 18 degrees…for all you Americans out there 65ish.
In stocks
Baked Bean shares have gone through the roof and a tight investor from Australia has taken keen interest. Constipation is at an all time high (I told you the on campus dining was slipping in something extra). Sleep has also awoken from its all time low and is on a steady increase. ParentDebt is set to rise steadily over the next few months. A few iloveyous may offset some of its effects. Hygiene has taken a massive plunge due to a shortage of free washing machines in NZ. Lorimer and Groves famous camp recipe (fried potato and baked beans $1.50 a meal!) has received interest from low risk investors that cant cook. Gas companies are definitely going to benefit from these ongoing trend. Company ‘Beard’ has plateau’d after months of steady growth. FreeInternets prices have soared, investors would be willing to pay a premium to grab a hold of their shares but unfortunately they are all tied up. TrashTalking has taken a dive as there is now nobody to do it to. And that’s about all the moment in the stock market.
Well that’s all for this edition of the news. I’m Jeff filling in for Tony. Stay tuned for the next edition of ‘the news’ (Emotional music etc)
Hello again and its about time I gave you an update on how I have been and what I have been up to. Well…heres some quick news to start with
Ice Hockey: Saw an attempt at a fight. I pressed the wrong button on the camera so I missed the action. Sorry
In sporting news the original Nintendo I bought off eBay got a bit of a workout and me and Greg passed the ninja turtles game. I even have film to prove it. Turtles rock.
Andrew was also caught betraying his country when he was spotted playing a bit of “football” for lack of a better word.
Went and saw STOMP in concert. STOMP is a band that plays the drumbeats with anything but drums…so I guess they don’t do drumbeats at all but you get my point. It was so good. I even bought their DVD the first DVD I have ever bought!! I had a little jerk kid (who would have been me 12 years ago) sitting next to me who complained mum this is so boring before it started and at the end half admitted he liked it ‘it wasn’t that boring’ or something along those lines. Hehehe, I remember those days. Anyway the concert was fantastic.
I played golf with Sally a girl who plays with a handicap of 1. Let’s just say I beat her on the first hole. We need not go into any more detail.
Had my first Tornado warning, what a waste of time.
I have figured out Americans don’t understand some other basics essential to Aussie life. They haven’t heard of or eaten Dim Sims and they do not know what ‘full toss’ means. Bludger, Maccas and Uni are also words not found in the countries very limited vocabulary.
I also figured out that some guy has been thinking I have been swearing every time I say cool as, sweet as, wicked as, nice as. I found this out after the supposed 3rd time he has asked me. I can’t remember him asking me before but I’m sure he said. Are you saying sweet ass (I would hear sweet as) to which I would reply ‘yeah sweet as’. He ended up asking me bluntly after thanksgiving after I was commenting his grandma was cool as. Glad we got that one cleared up. I hope he is the only one that thinks I have been saying that! That may even rate a score on the embarrassment stakes along with a few more café dropped tray incidents.
So anyhow. Me and Mat (the ‘sweet as’ guy) drove up to Colorado after a thanksgiving meal. It took us twelve hours and we came within inches of our lives (I can use that term coz I’m in America but centimeters for all you stuck in the metric ages!!) We came so, so close to running into a deer. Thankfully we missed and that was the start of Gods protection over me for the weekend as you will soon see.
We got to Denver, Colorado and then trekked a bit further to a ski resort. I was about to try my hand at snowboarding as Tony is about to report.
In sport Andrew took to the Rocky Mountains to glide the gradients, slide the slopes, to to to…well you know? After an hour of phone tuition from an expert snowboarder back home he was ready, or was he??
No, no he wasn’t. He now knows how a boxer would feel after 5 rounds in the ring. And now knows God must be lookin out for him. Reports claim he fell at least 150 times and these are extremely reliable sources. Some claim up to 200 falls in his first day.
Is this the definition of persistence or perhaps the definition of stupidity? Reports confirm the latter. Andrews failure to learn caused him much pain both mentally and physically. It is believed he has bruises where he never thought physically possible (AKA bum crack). The next morning he was forced to roll over on his stomach to get up because his neck was so sore from its eccentric (lowering – for you uneducated non PE students) contractions from breaking his fall that it could not properly support his head. His many big spill left onlookers with quite an impression…one in particular, who got up close and personal. Hes her to talk us through the ordeal.
So there I was snowboarding behind this tall guy who didn’t look like too much of a clutz. He was traveling fairly fast so I assumed he knew what I was doing. Never ever assume. He must have decided he was boarding outside his ability and tried to slow down by cutting across the mountain. He cut across hard and fast and fell just before would have gone off the edge and into the nearby trees. At this point I was far too close to do anything about it. Clunk, I ran into his board…that’s all I remember.
Right, we’ll have to go over to Andrew to finsh this story.
Yeah so I take another fall and before I have a chance to sook about it I hear a clunk on my board. I look round to see this guy go flying. One bounce into a nearby tree. I heard the branches crack and saw him get wrapped round the tree. My first thoughts were. ‘Oops are you ok’ my second thoughts were ‘I wish I had a camera that would have one first prize on funniest home videos for sure’ After a few moments on the ground the guy makes his reply to my first thoughts which by then I had spoken out. Only a few of his words are appropriate to relay on this news cast but the jist of what he said was. I hate you why would you do that, you nearly broke my back. Suddenly my second thoughts were looking good. I made my reply ‘Like I meant it I couldn’t see you’. He proceeded with the four letter words that weren’t dumb, snow or fall. My friend who had stopped nearby and heard/seen all this then stuck up for me. You shouldn’t have been so close rah rah rah. It was good. I wasn’t worried, as he was downhill from me and on a snowboard so it would have taken forever to get me. Plus if he did get me I would be aiming for his fresly wounded back!! In short I do hope he isn’t hurt but dang that crash was awesome. My personal favorite out of stockpile to choose from.
While Andrew made it to the highlights reel for bringing pain to others the next day he woke up with some of his own As explained earlier. Today no doubt, he will be trying skiing. According to his friend Mat this will be a much safer option for both him and everyone on the slopes. How true…
Perhaps not. Being the all round klutz he is Andrew managed at least 20 crashes with the skis. He got down the end of the run and decided his body could not take any more beatings. A frustrated and dejected Andrew indeed.
The next day he gave himself off opting to limp around the city of Denver. ‘Nice and clean’ were the best three words to describe most of Denver except for the Maccas toilets which even a busting Andrew refused to go.
He had earlier found some relief at an ESPN urinal which was fully equipped with a TV above it. Just incase you had any spare attention!
The remainder of the day included resting and cruising round taking photos. For the record he did not fall over once.
This was another day spent thinking and resulted in a few thoughts.
First of all that God was serious when he said to have one rest day a week. To chill out and think about life and focus on him. Its great. So I’m gonna plan to do that a bit more.
I am also going to miss America (I have her phone number!) was the second thought. Its funny how people don’t tell you how much they care or how much you mean to them until you tell them you are only here for 2 more weeks.
Back to the news
The next morning Mat and Andrew were on the road again. The trip back got quite complicated. High winds closed all sorts of roads and forced them to take the backcountry. Andrew was delighted to see his first tumbleweed bouncing across the road. He also spotted and snapped photos of two trucks which had tipped over on the road in the strong winds. Even this didn’t deter Mat and Andrew, (well mainly mat since he was driving), from getting home. Eventually after a few wrong turns, some alternate roads and a few pit stops for junk food and they were back in Springfield, bringing the snow with them. The first snow Andrew has seen in Missouri. It was also reported that they passed a sign reading “Correctional facility nearby, do not pick up hitchhikers”.
Andrew’s eating and health took a dive over thanksgiving. He knew he was in trouble when he started looking forward to the “healthy food” they serve at the on campus café.
I have got on the veggies since ive been back. All is well and I hope you all are too.
So here we go with another spiritual update. As of the last few days the ol’ spiritual life is going pretty good. As well as life. I am enjoying it heaps. Especially the mad lightning storm last night. I am really drawn to the lightning for some reason, I love it. I’ve had some good highlights which you’ll hear about in the general email. But anyway heres a few more things I have discovered over the last little while.
Insecurity
First of all I have discovered how insecure I have become again. Pretty sad coz I thought I was past all that but one night I went to a bible study in our dorm and there was this guy that was younger than was running it. I got intimidated spiritually coz he is more spiritual than me and I am used to being the one running the group. Anyway so satan was trying to make me have a scab attitude. You know. Thoughts like ‘what would he know he hasn’t gone to bible college’ ‘yeah so what if he knows that, I bet I have more friends’ etc etc. But I admitted that to him and the group and I did pretty well during the bible study. But then after it was over I was still intimidated and scared that ‘what if he is better than me’ So I started thinking things like. I bet hes no good at sport (turns out he wants to run a marathon!!) Yeah well I bet he’s not writing a book…so on and so forth. That just made it pretty plain obvious that I am totally insecure and my sense of worth is not coming from God like it should be. Need to relearn some lessons.
And a little while back in Sports Psychology we had a talk on Goal setting and how it helps with sports performance, I got to thinking, I wonder if I should apply goals to my spiritual life and then I remembered what Paul said.-
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)
Phillipians 3:12-14
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Anyway the point is. Goals are good and I have been running aimlessly without them.
I have been waddling along with no goal, or a real broad one that I forget about (pleasing God). Instead I have just been becoming passionate about a million things (I could name at least 20!) Whatever tickles my fancy at the time. Without a goal there is no purpose or aim, just a wasting away of life. So I have come up with a few goals.
Video game decision Every hour I spend playing video games I must spend an hour with God. Have stopped playing internet games and started playing the Nintendo instead! I spose at least it is interaction with others.
* To remember certain Bible verses
* And probably some other ones. Either way. Its good. Go goals. Pity Collingwood doesn’t share that attitude.
Another thing I have learned. I knew but my memory has been refreshed. People are not projects. You don’t just go round and hang out with someone like they are a project, otherwise when my side of the project is complete (them becoming a Christian) then I have no use for them. I have never been their friend I have just been working on them like a project. I realized I did this the other night. And not even coz I love God that much it was more the fact so I wouldn’t feel guilty, so I could say, hey I did something.
Oh yeah I have been struggling with guilt a fair bit lately too I reckon. Ive been finding it hard to figure out which guilt comes from God. Like when I feel like I shouldn’t be doing something, is that God or is it not. Its pretty hard.
And lastly…
I am discovering more and more how dependent on God I really am. I think I have realized how much I suck, but I am even finding out that even after all God has done for me I still can’t choose to choose him. Even knowing he is real and knowing what he has done for me and I still can’t follow him with all my heart, I can’t even make a commitment to do that because I know I will fail at every turn and be sinning within the next day. I need his help so much. I know so much that I will fail trying to listen to and obey his voice. In saying all that I don’t want to try place all responsibility on him because it is my responsibility when I hear his voice not to ‘harden my heart’.
So, spiritually I would say I am getting better. And life wise I am going great. So much fun stuff is going on. Lets hope I can remember God when I am doing it, which by the way I have been doing a bit more which is good. He deserves all the credit for any fun I find in life and I’m finding a whole lot, and If I can’t find it I will make it!!
Hope you are all doing sweet
Love Andrew
PS: Looking forward to some good God time (and Derek) in NZ.
Due to popular demand and some arm twisting. Tony Tardio has made the return to the news desk to give you some of the latest news updates.
Well hello again dedicated viewers. Im tony Tardio. Welcome to the news.
If you cannot be bothered sitting through a full episode please scroll down the bottom and read the poem which gives a brief summary of recent events. However; it is much funnier if you listen to the news.
October 8th
This was quite an eventful day as Andrew went downtown for some a leisurely game of paintball. Leisurely was not how he described it in his post game conference. Words such as ‘dismal’ and ‘stupid jerks shooting me’ frequented his vocabulary.
His shooting statistics: 500 shots 0 hits.
His shootee statistics: hit 5 times including once in the ear.
Bruises: One beauty to the right lovehandle which he assured the press he didn’t ‘love handling’
Cost $25. Which Andrew soon reduced to $23 as he spotted a sign that only he could saying that if you had groups of 10 or more you are eligible for a $2 discount. They got the discount. Turns out his group only had 9 members!
Later that evening he made an hour trek out to a Haunted Corn Maize. This involved him and his recently befriended classmates to trek around a maze mowed in a corn field, riddled with hidden “monsters” who we assume get paid roughly $2 per hour.
He and his Aussie counterpart Kevin were chosen to lead early ‘without torch’. As all American attempts to lead the group failed dismally. So without torch they trekked. Constantly on the lookout for underpaid ugly monsters.
Minutes later Andrew unwittingly stumbled upon a well hidden chainsaw murderer who proceeded to start up his bladeless chainsaw and scare the evening’s eatings from Andrews digestive tract into his underwear. These accusations were fiercly denied, but the proof was in the pudding which there was no longer traces of, in his stomach.
Andrew continues to deny all such allegations.
After this ‘brief moment of uncertainty’ as he chooses to term it, Andrew proceeded promptly to the back of the group. He resided there for the remainder of the trip.
Opting to let the others in the group ‘experience the thrill of leading’ which was his way of saying, ‘let them take the hits’.
October 10th
Now for an update on an argument we have been keeping track between Andrew and his racquetball teammates. Andrew argued that you ‘could too, break the racquetball courts windows by throwing a bowling ball at it, so ner’ Obviously the rest of the team disagrees, and, there is really no way for us to find out. So lets just leave that there…
Hang on I’m just getting something from Jenny. ‘Yes Jenny, this better be important’
‘Really, are you kidding’ ‘Yes I know you aren’t a goat’ ‘Ok, whatever, we’ll now cross live to Jenny’
‘Thankyou jerk, I mean Tony. I’m here at the Hammonds student centre where, while diving for a ball SMS racquetball player John slipped and put himself through the glass. CLEARLY SHATTERING his hopes of being a star. He’s in a lot of PANE right now. He’s both physically and emotionally BROKEN one could say…oh sorry moving on.
Bystanders say there was a movie like glass shattering sound followed by a guy that resembled John curled up in a ball on the ground with glass all over him.
Panic stuck but relief soon followed as John gingerly picked himself up and remarked to the coach ‘Now that’s what I call hustle’. Noticing his good humor Andrew took the opportunity to offer his comforting words ‘So…I guess a bowling ball would go through the glass’ That is all I have to report at the moment. Back to you in the studio
Thank you Jen for that rather interesting report. Now for the embarrassment stakes. Which has entirely nothing to do with a restaurant that can’t cook cows.
Andrew had a ripper opportunity to move well ahead in the embarrassment stakes but failed to capitalize. Taking part in a late night raffle, surrounded by at least one hundred others all praying to win the DVD player he stood. Grasping his tickets firmly he heard the first number read out. 8… his face lit up, knowing he was in with a chance. The second number 6...his expression turned to hopeful anticipation. 7… “Yes, woohooo, yes, oh yeah” the crowd heard him scream as he leaped off his chair and started forging a pathway through the crowd claim his prize. One last glance at his victorius ticket before he hands it to th…wait on. Our high tech cameras have just revealed his ticket has the number 868 printed on it.
Realising this Andrew quickly raised his hand and shouts over the noise “sorry its not really me and manages an embarrassed laugh”. The real winner quietly making a pathway on the other side of the room through the stunned crowd, who by now had assumed that, this idiot from Australia had just played a great joke on them. Andrew stayed until the TV was drawn and then hurriedly left.
He was caught up with by one of the bystanders very soon after. ‘That was real funny what you did’ they were heard to have remarked. Andrews reply “Hahaha, I wasn’t joking I really thought I had won’
That opportunity for some mega points has gone begging. No worry, though as Andrew failed to disappoint our watchful eye.
His accidental ‘punch in the head’ of black belt owner Jessica Easterby went down well with the media. Although he was reported to have locked himself in his room for the next 3 days.
Honesty is spoken about a lot in the media. But is it a quality worth possessing? You decide after this next embarrassing encounter.
Walking into Garst dining hall one Saturday night Andrew was spotted by his friend Kat who asked if he would be joining herself and her mate for dinner. Onlookers reported Andrews honest reply “Yeah, if I don’t find someone better to sit with”. This has sent shockwaves through the media and has catapulted his chances of being crowned ‘Sir Embarrasment’ His competition on the other hand seems to have lost all interest.
Back to more general news. Reporters followed Andrews weekend activities as he made a trip to St Louis where ‘fun was had’ and ‘money was spent.’
Highlights were going to “six flags” amusement park and spending time atop of the St Louis arch. A 100m tall arch which, to be honest was a waste of resources. The view at the top was described as ‘magnificent’, ‘scary’ and ‘scarificent’.
The major highlight of the trip came when Andrew stopped by a ford dealership owned by a fella with the last name Long. The dealerships name LONG FORD. Time was spent, energy was wasted, photos were taken, and fun was again; ‘had’.
October 17th
Today was a day for joyous celebration. As Andrew aptly put it ‘real life in America began’. It all started when Andrew received some mail, it all ended once he opened it. Inside, an Aussie Rules football. Tears of joy streamed down his cheeks. We later found he had heyfever and the tears were probably snot and the cheeks were probably a nose. The tears of joy report has been promptly fired.
The point is Andrew was very happy and grateful. He had this to say “Thanks mum. As for the rest of you slackers that said you’d send me a footy and didn’t come through with the GOODES! Tsk, tsk and again I say tsk”
Andrew also has joined thousands in the thriving industry of plasma donation. His first experience was; as he explained in detail to us, ‘exciting’.
It was reported the thing that hurt him most was ‘that stupid little needle’ they pricked his finger with to test his blood. ‘Ouch’ were his remarks to the nurse who swiftly replied ‘quit sooking, I’m a nurse not a nursery rhyme’
Andrew was taken aback by the nurses ‘made up’ comments but was later confirmed to have asked the nurse where to get those little weapons. Unfortunately she declined answering his question. Sources have been tracking of this nurse for months now and we are suspicious of her stockpiling these weapons of minor destruction. We’ll keep you posted on this situation as it develops.
Now on the ‘new craze’ scene here Tim.
Thank you Tardi... oh, my last names Tarido so I think I can rock up to work late and get Tim to cover for me…sure he wont mind…he’s just the clean… TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES…
We are now back with Phil, who has replaced Tim for this segment. It seems Tim has had a bit too much coffee if you know what I mean. Anyway, over to you Phil.
Hello, I’m Phil Strickland and I’m reporting to you from Hammonds House where a new craze has swept room 322. It seems James Bond on N64 has suddenly been rediscovered.
Rumor has it that Andrew has been making an appearance in this room every Tuesday night for the past 4 weeks to play James Bond along with other Nintendo classics such as Mario Karts. Fellow gamers however, are getting sick of the ‘why doesn’t my controller work properly’ excuse and are in the other room as we speak, voting on whether to give Andrew a 3 game suspension. Regardless of the result Andrew states that he has ‘enjoyed his time’
I’ve got a good feeling, so watch out for those N64 shares. Back to you Tony.
Thank you Phil for philling in. On that note it’s now time for the Stock exchange, heres Dave.
Thanks Tony. Big news is that Nintendo shares have plummeted and look set never to recover. Manly facial hair is on the rise and is rumored to have finally established a place on Andrews chin. Honesty has skyrocketed to an all-time high as has insensitivity. Big investments have been made in plasma donation for healthy returns, DVD shares stable but set to rise with the release of ‘Andrews movie’. Oil companies shares are feeling the pinch due to a shortage of supply from the east…of Andrews face. Book writing shares have dramatically risen of the fall break. And that’s about all for the share market today.
Moving on now. A war that resembles one much like the one Andrew had in year 12 has broken out between Andrew and fellow Woods resident Erika Jenkins. All predictions presumed this would happen far earlier as, “Andrew has a habit of starting fights by doing something stupid” as one of his close friends assures us.
Our reporters have discovered Andrew has been making mischief on floor four where a certain Erika Jenkins resides. His war propaganda was well received as was his fake ‘Congratulations on your engagement Erika…all the best’ signs which were seen sporting the entire 4th floor.
Reports confirmed Andrews’ decision to back out of his first poster idea.‘Congratulations on your unwanted pregnancy’. Reporters agreed this was a wise idea and would have been ‘over the line’ and ‘below the belt’.
A weak retaliation is set to occur. Far weaker than the fart bombs and smashed gnome he received in year twelve. The information we have shows that he is not living in constant fear as he was on the final Y.i.t.s camp. ‘Hahaha, Mick Peppereyes’ were his comments as he reminisced.
In entertainment news Andrews long overdue, self titled DVD is set to hit the shores of Australia in less than a week. Copies have been made and will be distributed to a select few people who are expected to burn them and send them to his other friends who want them. If you have any complaints dial 1800-it costs way too much to post em all. That’s 1800-38 16787…I can’t be bothered. Look it up on the web at www.toolazy.com
Now for the Weather Forecast
Clouds of boredom have finally arrived. Followed by waves of ‘immissingcanada’.
The Boredom clouds will soon disappear as we have a slight patch of ‘Stomp concert’ headed to this area. A band that drums with anything but a drum kit.
The word is Andrew is ‘excited’ and ‘can’t wait’ to be hit by this particular storm.
The weather is terribly cold in Missouri where it is reported that Andrew was forced to take a warm shower to combat the cold. This also rid his face of its hygiene drought and sent a plague of soapy goodness which decimated his pimple crops.
Signs of homecoming have been picked up by our radar. Homecoming is where a whole bunch of Americans make a whole bunch, out of a whole bunch of nothing. That week will involve free food all week, so nobody on this side is complaining about the cool change.
Halloween Tsunami is set to hit American shores on October 31st. Andrew plans to answer his door in this manner. ‘Hello, ween kids, would you like some lollies, I don’t have any candy’. It is also alleged that he will be dressing up as a cheerleader. Our cameraman is at the ready.
We’ll leave you tonight with a poem written by Andrew to sum up the last few weeks.
Well, after a lot of procrastinating on the computer playing games its time for another spiritual update. Last time you heard from me that’s what I was struggling to do. Spend time with God and not play too many computer games. Anyway the next week I did end up doing really well setting aside time for God each day, but the thing is, I didn’t remember him during the day, at all. And these last 3 or 4 weeks I have hardly remembered him during the day at all. And after that one week the quiet times stopped also. I don’t care for them if they don’t help me to pump it up with God throughout the day and I don’t understand why they didn’t help me remember God during the day, but, they didn’t.
Don’t worry, im not going out doing a whole heap of bad things during the day. Its what I am NOT doing during the day that worries me. I heard something really good on Christian radio back in the rat (yeah that’s right something good on Christian radio) anyway the guy was saying there are sins that you commit…for example the sins in the ten commandements. But then there are also sins of omission (leaving something out, for example not loving your enemies, forgiving people etc etc) and those are the things I am very guilty of. Things that God commands us to do and I have failed to do. Mostly for me its keeping my eyes fixed on God. Mmmm sins of omission. They are probably worse because you don’t think they are so bad so you fail to deal with them. Like you’ll treat a broken leg but you’ll hobble around on your untreated sprained ankle. I once wrote down in my journal that Christians should be known not for what they don’t do, but for what they do. So, that being the case, I am not doing the best. Please pray for me that I will not sin by leaving things out the God wants me to do, (Listening to and obeying him).
Heres some other thoughts and things I reckon could be useful. The first thing sounds really bad but follow me through to the end of it. If you don’t it wont make any sense.
Well, I’m helping out disabled kids in schools for one of my subjects. I was thinking the other day ‘what is the point’ we push them around in their wheelchairs and they are oblivious to what is going on. But that’s not my point. It brought me to my point which was, ‘why don’t we just shoot them, they can’t think, can’t speak, can’t do anything useful for society.’ (Like I said follow me with this). I am talking about severe cases of Mental retardation where the people cannot do a thing for themselves.
You see, we put down animals which are of more use than these people we euthanise people who are terminally ill and we put down people in comas, etc, etc and to me these people seemed a lot like that, except for the fact their heart was still beating without the aid of machines etc.
Anyway so I am thinking, why don’t we and knowing that there must be a reason why and looking for that reason. I tried to look at anything useful they could contribute to society but there was nothing, they cant speak, dress, understand…anything. But then I thought well, how else can they have value. Yeah God made them but that sounded really soft to me so I kept looking. Maybe I don’t understand the value God has placed in people like I should, otherwise I might have accepted that answer, knowing that peoples value does not come from their contribution to society…just because I couldn’tfind value it doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.
I got down to thinking. The whole point of this life is to bring glory (fame, attention, praise) to God. And then it became clear to me that these sort of people bring the most glory to God. By far. They never take the attention away from him like I do. They never stand on a stage with their shiny clothes worshipping God, all the while taking the attention off him. They never have anyone say ‘oh, hes a good bloke’. They never take any attention from God but they sure bring attention to him. First of all for his goodness to everyone else. Secondly because people that come into contact with them have to practice real selfless love, no thanks, no gratitude, no upgrading in society. Selfless love. So to cut a long story short. I am the one that should be shot. I should be put down; I take more attention away from God than I bring to him. I probably take more attention away from him than I GIVE to him. Seriously.
That’s a pretty humbling thought. I probably need a few of those…so heres another one.
One day when I was back in Sale the rain was pouring down, so Derek, Sarah, Sean, Kristen and myself trekked to my house to fetch the boogie boards. We got back into sale to a massive puddle we spotted as were traveling out to my house. We were doing our thing, running up skimming across the water on the boards, having a pretty good time. All except for Sarah, she was a bit scared to give it a go. She didn’t want to get hurt, so she had a few weak attempts basically walking up and falling onto the board. We had to pressure her pretty bad.
A while later I spotted what I thought was a cameraman taking photos of us. So I went up and said we could pose for some action shots. I went back and told everyone else and the four of us that had the boards, and even the one that didn’t (Sean) charged through the puddles and dived as hard and as fast as we could. We all went flying. Even Sarah.
After that I went up and talked to him. I think I said something along the lines of ‘what paper do you take pictures for’ or some trash like that. Anyway, turns out he was only a tourist from another country that had never seen people doing that before. Oh well.
Now for the point of this story… Suddenly Sarah didn’t need anyone to tell her to run faster she was lightning, suddenly Sean didn’t even need a board to skim across the puddle with!! We are so quick to suddenly bring glory to ourselves and so willing to do risky things to look good (get our pictures in the paper). We aren’t worried about consequences, we see the goal and we ‘go for it’.
How is that like with God. Am I that willing to jump at the opportunity to please God. Have I got my eyes fixed on him so much that I don’t worry about consequences or risks that I just ‘go for it’ like I did that day on the boogie boards and have done countless times since, for my own glory. I could give you numerous times where I have done something people will laugh at me for just to get a bit of attention (who knows how many times I have dress up as a girl now??!!)
The point is I seem more concerned and more willing to make sacrifices for myself than I am willing to make sacrifices to God. Sad. Good sadness…godly sorrow.
The last thing is a more happy God speaking to me occurrence.
One is that all girls are in actual fact beautiful (in the shallow skin deep sense of the word). You see, we are so surrounded by all these trashy sleazes and all these girls in magazines and on TV that if we see anything less that that we call it ugly. But guess what.
I was just imagining Adam by himself and then suddenly God creates what nowdays we would know as an ugly, fat, pimple faced woman. Im he would have been the last person to be complaining. I’m sure he was drooling and I’m pretty sure his fig leaf would have been raised within the first minute of seeing her. She is beautiful. No doubt in my mind. This scum jox world is the only thing that has made her ugly. Comparing.
Ooooh dont get me started on comparing, this whole world is set up comparing everthing. I hate it. Ooooooooooh mad. Most every compliment we give is a comparison. Think about that. Anyway, i wont get myself too worked up.
Aside from that. Another thing about girls. I have also realized how generous God has been in making them. The reason is, because he has made them so good, attractive etc, He has opened himself up to the risk of us boys ignoring him completely (vice versa). And in a lot of cases that is what has happened. What a generous God.Heres something you can say every time you find yourself looking at a girl ‘thanks God for risking me being distracted’
Well that’s about it. Its been good to hear some stuff from God and I hope it helps anyone out. Just remember to pray for me to focus on God. And on witnessing verbally again. Its the best, Sarweeeeeeet.
Good evening, I’m Tony Tardio and this is Seven Nightly news.
Andrew is not feeling well so I have decided to fill in for him. I was inspired to do this by a certain Sam Kelly, worlds best soccer journalist. Like all reporters I am just given the information and told what to say so anything I do say that offends my millions of viewers just know that it wasn’t me. Anything on the other hand you liked, chances are that I made I wrote that part.
Breaking news tonight Andrew is set to appear on MSN @ 9 or 10 pm Aussie time, the exact dates are yet to be confirmed but if you are on at this time you are assured a chance to speak with him. DON’T FORGET.
Also making headlines are corduroy pillows…
No, really making headlines is the new film he is about to appear in the land down under. With its catchy, well thought out title, ‘The tour of MissouriStateUniversity with Andrew John Lorimer’ is set to hit Australian shores in late September.
However, controversy erupted upon release when angry male protesters wrote letters to Mr Bush. Heres one of them….
Dear Mr Bush…
Whine whine whine I cant get any girls anymore now that he has appeared in this film…winge binge, winge binge…chiseled good looks…sook sook….stunning features…cry cry cry…outrageous…sulk sulk…
Yours truly,
Jealous Jipdol
In other unrelated news Andrew has taken the lead over fellow Australian and arch rival Kevin Jackson in the ‘embarrass yourself marathon’ Over to Christine for the latest…
‘Hi Jim, im here at the cafeteria where Andrew just majorly put his foot in his mouth. Here with me is Alison white. Now Allison tell me what happened.
‘I walked into the café having just woken up when I caught the voice of an Aussie accent. I turned around to be greeted warmly by Andrew, I wish that was where the conversation stopped I really do’ *tear, tear* ‘please go on’ ‘anyway he then asked me if I just woke up to which I replied ‘yes’ I think he was concerned because my face looked pale and my hair was all over the place. But what he said next just stung ‘yeah I thought so, you look really bad’ I only managed to muster a sarcastic ‘yeah thanks’ before walking off and then contemplating hanging myself’
In a later press conference Andrew revealed that he was meant to say ‘are you feeling ok or are you sick?’ and said he was just concerned with the pale face. He is unsure of the next step in the reconciliation process and would like, YOU, his faithful listeners (especially females) to give him some advice. Here are his options
A) write a letter B) next time they meet, try to explain his way out of it and most likely dig a deeper hole for himself C) forget about it D) Put your suggestion here?
In entertainment Kelly Clarkson listening has been at an all time high and watching people on your floor play video games until they offer you a turn is also on the rise.
Onto Aussie word management. Twice today it is alleged that Andrew called a biscuit a cookie. Stunned onlookers say he wasn’t happy with that sort of performance. ‘Telling himself off and shaking his head’ is how one of them described it.
Making headlines in education news ‘Out of nowhere assignments’
Rumor has it that in PED 485 Sports Psychology two Australian gentlemen as well as a host of Americans did not log on to the internet to find they had an assignment due. Teacher Dr Greg Masterson came to collect the ‘so called assignments’ at 1pm to find them as undone as a 5 year olds shoelace. Class members were then given until 5pm to complete them. With one more class for that day between then it was needless to say students were stressed out.
‘Ummmm, Excuse me writer, if it was needless to say then why did I say it??’ ‘your on air’ ‘umm moving on’
Now for sport, here’s Greg
Hello, Andrew has recently been dubbed a ‘sport sleaze’ as he is moving on from one sport to the next like a train moves from one spot to the next picking up random people…sounds like a great new word to describe night club scabs… “aaah ya train”…I like it… Stops every 5 minutes just to pick up… But I digress.
His latest victim is Racquetball. He recently joined the Racquetball team which he believes should be called the ‘Hack it ball’ team, because any hack can join. His recent win against experienced MSU Racquetball team member earned him the nickname ‘the wizard of Aus (or oz)’ The hard fought victory was quite fortunate as his opponent severely underrated the unexperienced campaigner. The match didn’t begin until 3 v 0. Which Andrew won 11 v 10.
Back to you Tony.
Now in Andrews defense I sincerely belive that his motives for joining taking up Racquetball are pure. Heres what he had to say in his post match interview with our very own Bruce MaccaImSoVainy’. ‘Look, I know it may look bad but these Americans feed me sooooooo much that if I took up every sport in the world I would probably still put on weight, stupid Americans, I reckon they put sugar in their water’ ‘you do realize I am an American’ ‘yeah look at you, my point exactly’ ‘you stupid Australian Q@@%*&…’ As you can see, the interview was cut short at this point. So lets move on to the stock market
Stocks in New Friends Inc continues to climb, while TV watching is down 24 to 5 minutes, Free internet has skyrocketed while its counterpart PartyPoker is practically bankrupt, Pacman high score remains steady at 73,000 Also rock solid is class attendance, although investors are “losing interest”, lovinURaccent has remained strong despite fierce competition, the globalization of Andrews stomach appears to have reached its peak, while toilet humor has taken a sickening plunge.
Now for the weather
The past few weeks has seen frequent smiles, with some fairly big frowns blown in from the south… and north come to think of it (deep). Slight patches of sport and homework have also made there way over.
The 7 day forecast (sorry its not a Year In the Son)
Mild to moderate homework followed by strong gale force partying. Slight patches of ice skating are expected, followed by freezing cold embarrassment, laughing is also expected to follow. Swells of up to .03 feet are set to occur in some areas.
A mold front is headed towards armpit cove and teethville but it shouldn’t get past the brush in Colgate. If it makes it to the mainland whirlwind flossy will offset its effects. There may be a shower or two…oh and it might rain outside!! There is also the prospect of plenty exciting times ahead
Well that concludes our broadcast, I’m Tony Tardio, stay tuned.
If you figured out what went on for me in the last while you have done well. Not too much really exciting happened and Sammy inspired me so I decide to write a different genre of trash. Anyway hope you enjoyed reading it…and you better go back and look for all the funny jokes…yes there were funny jokes in there and if you don’t laugh I will come back to Australia and beat you.
Love you all Andrew ‘the wizard of AUS’
Get it. Well rounded as in i am fat...*no response from crowd*...yeah well i thought it was funny and that is all that matters. The world revolves around me...get it, coz i am so big. Ok i give up.
Hello there. Some of you probably thought i was dead since i havent written an update for so long. Some of you on the other hand probably wish i was dead so your inbox doesnt flood. Well too bad.
Its time for another routine inbox flood.
Here are some things americans do not know...now, there are a lot of things americans dont know but here are some things they will admit to.
Flogged- as stealing something
Chuck- as throwing something
Mate- as a friend
Bloke-as a boy/man
You're right, shes right as a reply to someone thanking you for something
Biscuits- they think scones are biscuits!
Cuttlery- they think its silverware, now we all know silverware is the stuff your mum brings out when important people come over for a meal. AKA (Good cuttlery that never gets used)
There is a first time for everything in a new country. And i have experienced the glory of a fresh start ten pin bowling. My first bowl on american soil. A strike...mind you, it wasnt really on american soil, it was in a bowlin alley on polished wood. So forget the American soil part. So anyway i ended up bowling my highest score ever, without cheating, a dismal 139.
In other sporting news i went to St Louis to play in my frist racqetball tournament. I got bundled out of B grade losing both times in 3 sets. (You play a max of 3). And in C grade i lost the first round which put me in the hack or consellation division and i ended up losing in the grandfinal in 3 sets 0 v 11, 11 v 10, 11 v 1...racquetball is a weird game. I was well and truly pantsted in the first set and then won the second. Anyway i didnt get a trophy, what a rip off.
I also recently played a game of kickball. It was the best game i have ever been involved in. I played with a busted up toe, i fell up a set of stairs earlier that day and mashed my big toe. Anyway my team was down 7 zip after the first innings but eventually 5 innings later and a whole heap of slides into base from girls, That was exciting to see! And we had won the game by 3 runs. We had this one guy who lit up and was smoking right through his run up and kick of the ball. What a contradction playing sport and smoking at the same time. How reeeediculous.
While i was in St Louis i had someone take me around to find a boogie board. A rare sight when you live 1500km from the nearest ocean. I think the 4th store we went to had one. A usless spongebob duncepants and it set me back over $20 aus. I was so desperate, we have been getting some great puddles to slide round in. But since i have bought the boogie board. NOTHING. oh well. I cant wait.
I also went to watch this production there were dancers, an awesome band, army people shooting of a cannon and doing push ups, cheerleaders but it was annoying coz every few minutes these fat chubs would interrupt with a game of football then they would get tired and the concert would resume. Useless American football. I heard we had a good Granny back in Aus. One of my friends here has recorded it for me. It will be a relief to watch a real sport.
One more thing. We were playing Kelly pool at kevs party the other night (its his birthday on tuesday for those who know him, send him an email, underboolcc@hotmail.com) anyway i had 2 balls left on the table and there were 3 other peoples balls left. I thought oh well i will just bash em as hard as i can. And guess what. All three went in, leaving mine exactly where they were. I could never do it again in a million years. I was a stoked as a hot coal.
Moving on to the weight department, as you know i was 173 pounds when i arrived and i am still a steady 173. Hahaha, buns buns as fast as you can you cant fatten me says the gingerbread man.
I have also decided i have to favorite words. One is baggataway...one of our professors is an absolute champ and we love the way he says that word so me and kev always say it. But the other one is a famous baseballers name. Pujols (pronounced poo holes) no joke. So all these americans go round saying, did you see poo holes hit the home run the other day. We thought it was so funny so anytime we think something is good we just say poo holes...maybe you have to be here. Its hillarious. Anyway watch out for him he will probably win MVP this year for major league baseball.
Moving on to other highlights.
It was a historic day when we spread on our toast, a black and ugly spread known to the world as vegemite. None of the americans liked it. To tell you the truth it isnt quite jam or honey in my books either. But i swallowed my pride and tasted some sweet patriotism...whatever.
University is going well, quite easy but you have to get 90% to get an A and 60% just to pass so i reckon it evens out.
I went to the biggest fishing store in the world. Quite fitting really, biggest fishing store, biggest bicepts...it was huge, the store that is, so much stuff. I will have to go back and explore sometime.
Kevin overtook me in the embarrassment stakes dy dropping his tray complete with plates and cuttlery but i soon had my comeback with a dropped slushee on the counter of a servo. This is gunna go right down to the wire.
There was also a wicked fireworks display put on, by God. A thunderstorm. Oh man it was so good. I got some of it on video. I watched it for ages. So much power. I was just standing there in awe.
Ill finish on a deeper note; its been interesting opening my mouth and being a celebrity. Im not being arrogant. Im being serious, if i say something people are all over it. They immediately take an interest in me and want to get to know me, i am forever getting comments on how great my accent is. Especially from the ladies. But you know what. Even though that is what most people in this world, including me, long and dream for (other people to love and accept them, to be the centre of attention) i think it is so shallow, there is something more, something better worth living for. I was just feeling really empty. Not sad. Empty. Funny when what you dream about comes true and it is not enough. Where does it get me when i am about to die, to know that everyone around me loves me. Nowhere. Living for God is not empty though and i know it will amount to something, anyway just thought i would share that.
Well hello there. Its all been a bit of a struggle of late
First of all, God has just shown me how sinful i am. And i am realising more and more that 'my righteousness is like filthy rags' Wonder what my sins are like?
Just when i am doing ok and life is good my spiritual life turns to scum. Hmmm. Doesn't take long to fall off the top of a mountain into a valley does it? Lately i have been getting far too busy doing too many things and not having time for God. Some of these things are good, like sports and making friends but others "PartyPoker" cough cough...is not a good thing at all. I was recently addicted to that. Like 2hrs a day addicted. What a waste of life. So i have given it up for a week and hopefully forever. Time is far too precious, its just about the only thing people...myself included wish that they could get back on their death bed. I should be doing something useful for God or better still spending time with him.
Yeah so thats one thing but then there is this other thing, i havent even been stuffed spending the time i do have with him. If i have time i just sit there and wait for the next 'something else' i have to do or i just go and do something else anyway. Lazy and undisciplined.
In all seriousness i have had no real desire to even spend time with God...apart from being legalistic and thinking i may not get into heaven if i don't. You all probably know what i am talking about there. Anyway, i know he DESERVES all of my time and i know that i should want to spend time with God because of who he is, not because i think i will go to hell if i dont. How wrong.
But i spose all this is good coz while i am surrounded by all the best things in the world. Good food good friends good sports, good university and good looking girls!! I am not satisfied and dont even feel close to being happy or whole...Godly discontent..i wonder if thats an oxymoron...shut up your a moron!! Maybe i just need to sit down and 'put God first'. Now theres a great idea...gee thats pretty much what the whole Bible is about and was written for. Funny how long it takes me to figure things out.
Theres a mirror in our room and i keep looking at myself in it. And it seems that when i was looking in it the other day that God said i have been doing a bit much looking at myself. Ive got my eyes on me and not God.
Then i thought of a verse. Hebrews 12:2 'fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith' but then i reckon God made me think of the verse before it. Gee great idea, thats usually the way you read a book, its funny how we choose to read the bible differently and get a distorted view of what its really saying, anyway so i thought about the verse before it 'Throw off all that hinders...' and then linked them up. 'Throw off all that hinders by fixing my eyes on Jesus'...i guess if i read the bible properly i would have got that a long time ago. But i am glad i realised this.
And then also i have realised that if your eyes are fixed on Jesus then other things will also help turn your eyes to him. You could even get to a stage where you are playing party poker with your eyes fixed on Jesus. Obviously i am a long way from that. Everything in life can turn your eyes away or to God. Music, girls, sport...whatever.
Anyway that may also be why quiet times are a struggle, they are the easiest and probably most effective way to fix your eyes on Jesus. And satan sure does not want me doing that. So anyway i will have to pump out the old discipline. This may mean getting to bed before 1...idiot. Then if i pump out the discipline i will prolly get self righteous or religious...haha young beth stennet was right when she she life is all about balance. Thanks beth :)
Anyway, thanks everyone else for listening to this trash. Hope you can learn something from it so you dont turn into a spiritual unco! Its all about co ordination GO P.E.
