Due to popular demand and some arm twisting. Tony Tardio has made the return to the news desk to give you some of the latest news updates.
Well hello again dedicated viewers. Im tony Tardio. Welcome to the news.
If you cannot be bothered sitting through a full episode please scroll down the bottom and read the poem which gives a brief summary of recent events. However; it is much funnier if you listen to the news.
October 8th
This was quite an eventful day as Andrew went downtown for some a leisurely game of paintball. Leisurely was not how he described it in his post game conference. Words such as ‘dismal’ and ‘stupid jerks shooting me’ frequented his vocabulary.
His shooting statistics: 500 shots 0 hits.
His shootee statistics: hit 5 times including once in the ear.
Bruises: One beauty to the right lovehandle which he assured the press he didn’t ‘love handling’
Cost $25. Which Andrew soon reduced to $23 as he spotted a sign that only he could saying that if you had groups of 10 or more you are eligible for a $2 discount. They got the discount. Turns out his group only had 9 members!
Later that evening he made an hour trek out to a Haunted Corn Maize. This involved him and his recently befriended classmates to trek around a maze mowed in a corn field, riddled with hidden “monsters” who we assume get paid roughly $2 per hour.
He and his Aussie counterpart Kevin were chosen to lead early ‘without torch’. As all American attempts to lead the group failed dismally. So without torch they trekked. Constantly on the lookout for underpaid ugly monsters.
Minutes later Andrew unwittingly stumbled upon a well hidden chainsaw murderer who proceeded to start up his bladeless chainsaw and scare the evening’s eatings from Andrews digestive tract into his underwear. These accusations were fiercly denied, but the proof was in the pudding which there was no longer traces of, in his stomach.
Andrew continues to deny all such allegations.
After this ‘brief moment of uncertainty’ as he chooses to term it, Andrew proceeded promptly to the back of the group. He resided there for the remainder of the trip.
Opting to let the others in the group ‘experience the thrill of leading’ which was his way of saying, ‘let them take the hits’.
October 10th
Now for an update on an argument we have been keeping track between Andrew and his racquetball teammates. Andrew argued that you ‘could too, break the racquetball courts windows by throwing a bowling ball at it, so ner’ Obviously the rest of the team disagrees, and, there is really no way for us to find out. So lets just leave that there…
Hang on I’m just getting something from Jenny. ‘Yes Jenny, this better be important’
‘Really, are you kidding’ ‘Yes I know you aren’t a goat’ ‘Ok, whatever, we’ll now cross live to Jenny’
‘Thankyou jerk, I mean Tony. I’m here at the
Bystanders say there was a movie like glass shattering sound followed by a guy that resembled John curled up in a ball on the ground with glass all over him.
Panic stuck but relief soon followed as John gingerly picked himself up and remarked to the coach ‘Now that’s what I call hustle’. Noticing his good humor Andrew took the opportunity to offer his comforting words ‘So…I guess a bowling ball would go through the glass’ That is all I have to report at the moment. Back to you in the studio
Thank you Jen for that rather interesting report. Now for the embarrassment stakes. Which has entirely nothing to do with a restaurant that can’t cook cows.
Andrew had a ripper opportunity to move well ahead in the embarrassment stakes but failed to capitalize. Taking part in a late night raffle, surrounded by at least one hundred others all praying to win the DVD player he stood. Grasping his tickets firmly he heard the first number read out. 8… his face lit up, knowing he was in with a chance. The second number 6...his expression turned to hopeful anticipation. 7… “Yes, woohooo, yes, oh yeah” the crowd heard him scream as he leaped off his chair and started forging a pathway through the crowd claim his prize. One last glance at his victorius ticket before he hands it to th…wait on. Our high tech cameras have just revealed his ticket has the number 868 printed on it.
Realising this Andrew quickly raised his hand and shouts over the noise “sorry its not really me and manages an embarrassed laugh”. The real winner quietly making a pathway on the other side of the room through the stunned crowd, who by now had assumed that, this idiot from
He was caught up with by one of the bystanders very soon after. ‘That was real funny what you did’ they were heard to have remarked. Andrews reply “Hahaha, I wasn’t joking I really thought I had won’
That opportunity for some mega points has gone begging. No worry, though as Andrew failed to disappoint our watchful eye.
His accidental ‘punch in the head’ of black belt owner Jessica Easterby went down well with the media. Although he was reported to have locked himself in his room for the next 3 days.
Honesty is spoken about a lot in the media. But is it a quality worth possessing? You decide after this next embarrassing encounter.
Walking into Garst dining hall one Saturday night Andrew was spotted by his friend Kat who asked if he would be joining herself and her mate for dinner. Onlookers reported Andrews honest reply “Yeah, if I don’t find someone better to sit with”. This has sent shockwaves through the media and has catapulted his chances of being crowned ‘Sir Embarrasment’ His competition on the other hand seems to have lost all interest.
Back to more general news. Reporters followed Andrews weekend activities as he made a trip to
Highlights were going to “six flags” amusement park and spending time atop of the
The major highlight of the trip came when Andrew stopped by a ford dealership owned by a fella with the last name Long. The dealerships name LONG FORD. Time was spent, energy was wasted, photos were taken, and fun was again; ‘had’.
October 17th
Today was a day for joyous celebration. As Andrew aptly put it ‘real life in
The point is Andrew was very happy and grateful. He had this to say “Thanks mum. As for the rest of you slackers that said you’d send me a footy and didn’t come through with the GOODES! Tsk, tsk and again I say tsk”
Andrew also has joined thousands in the thriving industry of plasma donation. His first experience was; as he explained in detail to us, ‘exciting’.
It was reported the thing that hurt him most was ‘that stupid little needle’ they pricked his finger with to test his blood. ‘Ouch’ were his remarks to the nurse who swiftly replied ‘quit sooking, I’m a nurse not a nursery rhyme’
Andrew was taken aback by the nurses ‘made up’ comments but was later confirmed to have asked the nurse where to get those little weapons. Unfortunately she declined answering his question. Sources have been tracking of this nurse for months now and we are suspicious of her stockpiling these weapons of minor destruction. We’ll keep you posted on this situation as it develops.
Now on the ‘new craze’ scene here Tim.
Thank you Tardi... oh, my last names Tarido so I think I can rock up to work late and get Tim to cover for me…sure he wont mind…he’s just the clean… TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES…
We are now back with Phil, who has replaced Tim for this segment. It seems Tim has had a bit too much coffee if you know what I mean. Anyway, over to you Phil.
Hello, I’m Phil Strickland and I’m reporting to you from Hammonds House where a new craze has swept room 322. It seems James Bond on N64 has suddenly been rediscovered.
Rumor has it that Andrew has been making an appearance in this room every Tuesday night for the past 4 weeks to play James Bond along with other Nintendo classics such as Mario Karts. Fellow gamers however, are getting sick of the ‘why doesn’t my controller work properly’ excuse and are in the other room as we speak, voting on whether to give Andrew a 3 game suspension. Regardless of the result Andrew states that he has ‘enjoyed his time’
I’ve got a good feeling, so watch out for those N64 shares. Back to you Tony.
Thank you Phil for philling in. On that note it’s now time for the Stock exchange, heres Dave.
Thanks Tony. Big news is that Nintendo shares have plummeted and look set never to recover. Manly facial hair is on the rise and is rumored to have finally established a place on Andrews chin. Honesty has skyrocketed to an all-time high as has insensitivity. Big investments have been made in plasma donation for healthy returns, DVD shares stable but set to rise with the release of ‘Andrews movie’. Oil companies shares are feeling the pinch due to a shortage of supply from the east…of Andrews face. Book writing shares have dramatically risen of the fall break. And that’s about all for the share market today.
Moving on now. A war that resembles one much like the one Andrew had in year 12 has broken out between Andrew and fellow Woods resident Erika Jenkins. All predictions presumed this would happen far earlier as, “Andrew has a habit of starting fights by doing something stupid” as one of his close friends assures us.
Our reporters have discovered Andrew has been making mischief on floor four where a certain Erika Jenkins resides. His war propaganda was well received as was his fake ‘Congratulations on your engagement Erika…all the best’ signs which were seen sporting the entire 4th floor.
Reports confirmed Andrews’ decision to back out of his first poster idea. ‘Congratulations on your unwanted pregnancy’. Reporters agreed this was a wise idea and would have been ‘over the line’ and ‘below the belt’.
A weak retaliation is set to occur. Far weaker than the fart bombs and smashed gnome he received in year twelve. The information we have shows that he is not living in constant fear as he was on the final Y.i.t.s camp. ‘Hahaha, Mick Peppereyes’ were his comments as he reminisced.
In entertainment news Andrews long overdue, self titled DVD is set to hit the shores of
Now for the Weather Forecast
Clouds of boredom have finally arrived. Followed by waves of ‘immissingcanada’.
The Boredom clouds will soon disappear as we have a slight patch of ‘Stomp concert’ headed to this area. A band that drums with anything but a drum kit.
The word is Andrew is ‘excited’ and ‘can’t wait’ to be hit by this particular storm.
The weather is terribly cold in
Signs of homecoming have been picked up by our radar. Homecoming is where a whole bunch of Americans make a whole bunch, out of a whole bunch of nothing. That week will involve free food all week, so nobody on this side is complaining about the cool change.
Halloween Tsunami is set to hit American shores on October 31st. Andrew plans to answer his door in this manner. ‘Hello, ween kids, would you like some lollies, I don’t have any candy’. It is also alleged that he will be dressing up as a cheerleader. Our cameraman is at the ready.
We’ll leave you tonight with a poem written by Andrew to sum up the last few weeks.
ODE TO
I made it to
I’m now at war with Erika
The boredom has increased
My fat, far from deceased
Lousy American punk
Don’t feed me anymore junk
I’m raking in money with Plasma
Now a word that rhymes?…asthma
Assignments on the go
Sometimes done awfully slow
Distractions everywhere
Ive got some facial hair
Maths is killing me
One plus one is three
Hey class, whats this shape
A triangle, you ape
My anger built right up
I killed a new born pup
But I could not stop there
Started pulling out my hair
Which now, has grown right back
Aaaaaaaarrgh, afro attack
Now something more obscene
Our supposed break just been
Our 4 day break called fall
Its not a break at all
A long weekend plus one
No time to have some fun
An angry man I was
Wished I was back in Oz
My anger turned to shame
When an aussie football came
Oh the joy it brought
And havoc it soon wrought
On woods hall, level 3
Kicking carelessly with glee
This poem deserves a D
Well, lets just wait and see.
Thanks for reading.
Hope you’re smiling, From Andrew
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