Beautiful NZ

So here I am. Back in my free country, using my free computer with free internet access. Oooooh yeah. This is the final happenings from my adventure. I look forward to seeing you all again. (I may even see you Americans again too! As long as I can get free food and accommodation in 2007)

So this is it the last time I flood your inboxes with ridiculously good looking and long emails.

Last you heard, I had just been booted from Urupukapuka island. My fame however had spread acrss the nation. So much so that the 36^th person I stuck my thumb out at gave me a lift back to Auckland. Much friendlier than those Canadians who took 115 thumbs to realize I needed a ride. Upon my arrival in Auckland I found some considerate person left me two pizza slices ontop of the hostels vending machine. Yes, they were cold but I was hungry. After my free meal I then went downstairs to the backpacker bar to get some free vodka punch as advertised. The nice bartender came up to three of us (I met two Americans) and asked if we liked tequila. Before we had time to answer he had poured us all shots.

Got up at the ridiculolus hour of 5am and caught a bus to Tongariro national park. Our hilarious bus driver spoiled his run when he made a joke about aussies. “Have you heard australias new chant? Aussie aussie aussie, druggie druggie druggie”. The whole bus went dead silent. The kind of silent you hear in movies and cartoons where a cricket is chirping in the background I would have felt bad for the guy if it wasn’t a joke about australians.

After that we got off the bus and went on the walk. It was so awesome. We walked for about an hour and a half and got to the base of Mt Ngauruhoe (A.K.A Mount Doom from Lord of the rings). It was a doom to climb. It was so windy up the top which we eventually made it to. But not before I sent a boulder the size of two basketballs all the way down the mountain. The girl at the bottom who it came close to didn’t seem to notice. Maybe she had previously been hit by rocks. Either way the mountain was great.

Once down, the rest of the walk was really flat. It was so beautiful. We walked through Mordor checking out a wicked sight and stopping for a photo on average every 250m. That amounts to about 80 photos for the 23km walk.

After that I went back to Auckland to get my flight to the South island.

I missed the plane as a bus didn’t come. “Every 20 minutes my backside”. When the bus finally did come I was so stressed. Everyone that got on I would be angry at for slowing me down. I was even angry at traffic lights! It wasn’t good.

Tried again with the plane thing and after waiting 25 minutes I got nervous and caught a taxi. So I made the flight this time and this is where young Tony Tardio wants to take over reporting.

Yes, good evening folks this will be my final report on Andrews adventures.

On Janurary the 11^th Andrew did end up catching the plane to the south island. In sporting news, Tana Umaga, New Zealand All blacks captain retired two days ago. Oblivious to this information, infact oblivious to who he even was, Andrew nearly told one of his kids off for banging his seat on the plane. Tana who was one seat behind and across from Andrew would have been within punching length. Sick of the seat banging and seeing the kid next to him wanted to look out the window Andrew moved forward to the spare seats infront of him. Once he departed from the plane, he saw people snapping photos left right and centre. He soon realized the public was not taking photos of him and that none of them had heard of his fake “Urupukapuka survivor” show. All Andrew could say was he’s glad he didn’t say anything bad about rugby.

Andrew however was treated like a star once he departed from the airport. Unwilling to pay the $15 for a shuttle bus into queenstown. Andrew decided he’d rather take a 2 hour walk with over 30kg worth of baggage attached to him. Forunately for him before he had even left the airport or even thought about sticking out his thumb some kind sir pulled over and offered him a lift. Andrews comments were “How lovely, these NZers are starting to get an idea about them.

In other news Andrew was starting to worry about the increases in ParentDebt. He decided he needed a job so he started housekeeping for his nights accommodation at a hostel. 3 days later and he had quit. During this time he picked up work at a mobil that was shutting down, which brings us to Bargain news with Sue

Hello there. In bargain news Andrew has been seen taking advantage of the mobil that is now shut down. Or was the mobil taking advantage of him. You decide after you hear this information. He picked up 4 “Bubble O Bill” ice creams (A lorimer favorite) for 60c each. Which was then topped by a pack of SunChips and 11 moro bars (some over a year past their used by date) all for 50c

Scientists predict these stale chips and out of date Moro bars may produce unusual side effects on Andrew. For example, he might start being able to grow facial hair.

Back to the bargains.

The next day he was spotted entering a salvation army store. He came out with a big smile and a red polar fleece vest which he bought to replace the one he had lost earlier. No receipts were found in the shop so a team of scientists was asked to come in and study the smile on Andrews face. Looking at both the bigness and longevity of his smile they have concluded he paid between 99c and 1.01 for it. Back to you Tony.

Thanks Sue. Now onto hiking news.

Andrew was spotted climbing Queenstown hill which locals describe as a “good place to think with a stunning view at the top”. Worried about the last half of that statement being true, Andrew carried a mirror up the top with him.

No sooner had he come down and he was off again. This time to do a 3 day hike on the Routeburn track, which some magazines rate as one of the top 10 walks in the world.

Too proud to leave some of his luggage in Queenstown, Andrew began the journey with 40kgs worth of bags. After the first days hiking and upon his return from the side track Andrew realized God had sent him an angel. His name. Jordan Guyot. The guy Andrew had been spotted hiking the Tongariro crossing with on the north island.

Lets just say without Jordan Andrew would probably still be hiking. The next day Andrew shipped off his day pack to Guyot. Lorimer described the second days walk as “the most beautiful. And not just because Jordan and his massive calves were walking in front of me” The 3^rd day the boys walked 4hrs to the end of the track which Andrew comments “was definitely the best walk I have ever been on, those Moro bars really enhanced the whole experience too” Hiking partner Jordan agrees with Andrew’s Moro statement

NZ has flown past Canada in the beauty to area ratio. As for the overall beauty contest, its so hard for Andrew to decide so here’s his plan. You all fund him to go on another round the world trip and then he will be able to conduct more in-depth research to deal with this predicament. Deal?

A few days of recovering and the boys were off again. In more ways than one. This time to the Kepler track. Andrew learned from his last mistake and wisely didn’t take as much baggage. The decrease in baggage was also followed by a decrease in beauty. Heres Andrew once more. “It was still beautiful, but its like standing any top model next to me. Of course they aren’t going to look as pretty. But standing alone with nothing to compare to they are lovely”.

Reporter have just discovered Andrew has too many VAINS in his body. He will no longer be asked to make any further comments.

The last day of the Kepler track was a good day. First of all Andrews hiking buddy Jordan actually got out of bed straight away and he is less of a morning person than Andrew (Luke Groves will confirm that this is near impossible). Groves comments “The only morning you’ll hear is from Lorimers mouth anytime before 12:01pm”. In short, the fact Jordan got up was a miracle. After they got off the track they went back to the hostel Andrew had dumped his junk at. Upon collection they made a bowl of WARM porridge WITH sugar. Two things both had not had of having on the trek. Cups of tea were also savoured before they headed for a bus back to Queenstown which turned out to be $25 instead of the $30 they had been told. Just another blessing to add to the days total. Which was soon added to majorly as the bus drove past a street sign labeled “Wong Way”. Unable to get his camera out in time Andrew thought the days good events had come to an end. That is unitl 3 minutes down the road the bus driver received a call. There were still two passengers in town who had missed the bus. He drove back and realizing he took a different route Andrew piped up. “Are we going to drive past Wong Way again” To which the driver replied “No mate, would you like to” “Yes please” Andrew replied. So past they drove and a photo was taken thanks to the driver slowing down. The smile on Andrews face could not be measured as the bus headed to Queenstown. Some say this was the highlight of the his entire trip.

Good things continued to occur as Andrew and Jordan hiked up another mountain ‘Ben Lomond’ Their emotional last hike together was soon followed by a $7 buffet meal which some state is now being increased to a $14 buffet meal to cover the costs of Andrews attendance there.

The next day Andrew left to catch up with a 10 day hiking tour group (HikeNZ). Before leaving he took Jordans guitar to remember him by and Jordan took $60 from Andrews wallet to remember him by and that was that.

HikingNZ tour

Andrew caught to group in TeAnau and was soon on the road with them to their next destination. He was quite surprised, come time for tea to see a cask of red wine and TimTam munching. Perhaps New Zealanders have a different definition of roughing it than us Aussies. Either way, Andrew is taking full advantage of this situation. More on that soon.

The next day the group went on a hike, Andrews first, which he Moro’d on (fell over) 6 times. Great first impressions.

Andrew has also left the impression of being a waste disposal system. By day 4 he had already gained such a reputation that when anyone was offering leftovers they would ask the rest of the group if they wanted it but when it came to him they would just hand it to him. It wasn’t even a question. Its become “here, you’ll eat it”. I guess they were right in their assumptions. Andrew is very happy in his new role as disposal unit. Family members including Judith and Allan were not surprised at his being picked for this role. Judith reports “Never a scrap was left on the table with him around”. Fay his mother adds “I always knew he’s always had potential. His first words were ‘meat, meat’”

On the food topic. Ice cream is really cheap in New Zealand. Andrew is also really cheap and is in New Zealand, but that isn’t news to anyone now is it?

Andrew has also acquired some excellent recipes from this camp which he wishes to test of some willing human guinea pigs upon his return. Anyone interested is asked to log onto www.deathwish.com

In toilet news, it seems the flush button has been taken hostage and a ten day period has been issued to get together the $10,000 ransom. Andrew has adapted quite well to this new breed of toilet. Others however are quite unhappy.

Today Andrew shared waters with the worlds smallest and rarest marine dolphins (Hectors) But when you think about it. All the oceans connect up. So I guess every time you go to the beach you are sharing the water with them.

Later that day the group saved a penguin from definite ‘death by stoat’. The ungrateful penguin bit the man who picked it up. Now back in Australia, Andrew is left wondering what a penguin would have tasted like.

Mount cook entered a hide and seek contest with Andrew and looked like winning until unexpectedly Andrew was out of bed at 6:30 and caught a glimpse of NZ’s highest mountain. The mountain was seen later that day by the rest of the group. Covered in a CLOUD of defeat. Photos were taken to commemorate Andrews victory.

The group then headed for their next destination but before getting there they stopped to take a look at the largest sweater in the world. Reports confirm that if Andrews sister Catherine, may just be able to fit into it.

Andrew also saw a kid wearing funny attire today (a school uniform). He laughed.

The group then hiked up some hills and had great views of Rohan (Lord of the Rings) before setting up camp nearby. That night things were as they should be. The women were left cooking and the men had a tri-boulderthon. A boulder throwing contest involving three events.

In sport

4 countries were reoresented (Aus, Denmark, NZ and Germany) and a controversial entry into the final event by a U.S female kept things lively. Australia won two of the three gold medals and was unlucky not to win a 3^rd. Disqualified in the second event for overstepping the line on a world record throw. The Australian was not even tested for illegal drug use as he was so scrawny nobody suspected a thing. Gold medals are soon to be auctioned off on eBay and are expected to reach as much as $150,000 a piece.

Also in sport. Andrews hiking boots look unlikely to recover from overstrain injuries and will be sidelined for at least a couple of weeks.

Andrew’s run of falling over soon dried up until the last day where Andrew hit peak form. This time however he had an excuse. He was walking though a river over mossy rocks. This last day rated a 5 on the Moro scale (Scale which measures the likelihood of falling over) Compared to day one’s rating of 2.

The last night of the hike was spent under the stars with clothes piled on to keep warm. Andrew awoke the final day and was immediately greeted with a wasp bite to the neck. Tour guide Daniel denies any allegations that he was posing as a wasp. Although he does confirm Andrews complaints about early mornings were starting to grate him. He is expected to be taken into custody and questioned. Speaking of custody I am hungry so here’s someone else to fill you in on the stocks and weather.

Ummmm yes, well thankyou Tony.

I guess its time for the weather. Cyclone Lorimer is set to continue in its path from NZ to the SE coast of Australia where it will then be heading straight to comfortable bed. With it will come showers…warm, soapy, shampooie showers! Bouts of fridge raid are sure to follow. Dirty clothing is headed towards the washing machine via a town called mum.

Now for the stocks

Company ‘Amazing Experience’ is set to end on the 8^th of Jan. Also set to shut down is ‘Nikon camera company’ Shareholders however may want to hold out as stakeholders have a feelin the company will reopen from the 17^th to the 19^th of Feb for what investors are calling an ‘important dates you wont want to forget about’ Other companies predicted to wind up bankrupt are ‘Green grass’, ‘Intercity bus co’, ‘Mountain tops’ and of course ‘Stenchy clothes’ Severe losses to ‘sheep stocks’ are also predicted.

Andrews personal company ‘Calves r Us’ has seen dramatic growth over the past month and as director he is now contemplating changing the name to ‘Cows r Us’. Company ‘General Fitness’ has risen while its partner ‘Ball skills’ has seen a decline. Excitement is set for a big rise. Kelly Clarksons single “Since you’ve been gone” has been labeled irrelevant by investors who instead ore opting to put their money in music companies such as “Welcome back” and “You’re not welcome back”. Hygeine is at an all time low. The owner of Hygeine however, promises to look after his Australian investors. Inbox flood is set to end right now….thats right, right NOW.

“Hey I’m back from my custard…” “Shut up Tony, you’re fired”

Goodbye, hope to see you all soon.

Love Andrew