Missouri State

Good evening, I’m Tony Tardio and this is Seven Nightly news.

Andrew is not feeling well so I have decided to fill in for him. I was inspired to do this by a certain Sam Kelly, worlds best soccer journalist. Like all reporters I am just given the information and told what to say so anything I do say that offends my millions of viewers just know that it wasn’t me. Anything on the other hand you liked, chances are that I made I wrote that part.


Breaking news tonight Andrew is set to appear on MSN @ 9 or 10 pm Aussie time, the exact dates are yet to be confirmed but if you are on at this time you are assured a chance to speak with him. DON’T FORGET.

Also making headlines are corduroy pillows…

No, really making headlines is the new film he is about to appear in the land down under. With its catchy, well thought out title, ‘The tour of Missouri State University with Andrew John Lorimer’ is set to hit Australian shores in late September.

However, controversy erupted upon release when angry male protesters wrote letters to Mr Bush. Heres one of them….

Dear Mr Bush…

Whine whine whine I cant get any girls anymore now that he has appeared in this film…winge binge, winge binge…chiseled good looks…sook sook….stunning features…cry cry cry…outrageous…sulk sulk…

Yours truly,

Jealous Jipdol


In other unrelated news Andrew has taken the lead over fellow Australian and arch rival Kevin Jackson in the ‘embarrass yourself marathon’ Over to Christine for the latest…

‘Hi Jim, im here at the cafeteria where Andrew just majorly put his foot in his mouth. Here with me is Alison white. Now Allison tell me what happened.

‘I walked into the café having just woken up when I caught the voice of an Aussie accent. I turned around to be greeted warmly by Andrew, I wish that was where the conversation stopped I really do’ *tear, tear* ‘please go on’ ‘anyway he then asked me if I just woke up to which I replied ‘yes’ I think he was concerned because my face looked pale and my hair was all over the place. But what he said next just stung ‘yeah I thought so, you look really bad’ I only managed to muster a sarcastic ‘yeah thanks’ before walking off and then contemplating hanging myself’

In a later press conference Andrew revealed that he was meant to say ‘are you feeling ok or are you sick?’ and said he was just concerned with the pale face. He is unsure of the next step in the reconciliation process and would like, YOU, his faithful listeners (especially females) to give him some advice. Here are his options

A) write a letter
B) next time they meet, try to explain his way out of it and most likely dig a deeper hole for himself
C) forget about it
D) Put your suggestion here?

In entertainment Kelly Clarkson listening has been at an all time high and watching people on your floor play video games until they offer you a turn is also on the rise.

Onto Aussie word management. Twice today it is alleged that Andrew called a biscuit a cookie. Stunned onlookers say he wasn’t happy with that sort of performance. ‘Telling himself off and shaking his head’ is how one of them described it.

Making headlines in education news ‘Out of nowhere assignments’

Rumor has it that in PED 485 Sports Psychology two Australian gentlemen as well as a host of Americans did not log on to the internet to find they had an assignment due. Teacher Dr Greg Masterson came to collect the ‘so called assignments’ at 1pm to find them as undone as a 5 year olds shoelace. Class members were then given until 5pm to complete them. With one more class for that day between then it was needless to say students were stressed out.

‘Ummmm, Excuse me writer, if it was needless to say then why did I say it??’ ‘your on air’ ‘umm moving on’

Now for sport, here’s Greg

Hello, Andrew has recently been dubbed a ‘sport sleaze’ as he is moving on from one sport to the next like a train moves from one spot to the next picking up random people…sounds like a great new word to describe night club scabs… “aaah ya train”…I like it… Stops every 5 minutes just to pick up… But I digress.

His latest victim is Racquetball. He recently joined the Racquetball team which he believes should be called the ‘Hack it ball’ team, because any hack can join. His recent win against experienced MSU Racquetball team member earned him the nickname ‘the wizard of Aus (or oz)’ The hard fought victory was quite fortunate as his opponent severely underrated the unexperienced campaigner. The match didn’t begin until 3 v 0. Which Andrew won 11 v 10.

Back to you Tony.

Now in Andrews defense I sincerely belive that his motives for joining taking up Racquetball are pure. Heres what he had to say in his post match interview with our very own Bruce MaccaImSoVainy’. ‘Look, I know it may look bad but these Americans feed me sooooooo much that if I took up every sport in the world I would probably still put on weight, stupid Americans, I reckon they put sugar in their water’ ‘you do realize I am an American’ ‘yeah look at you, my point exactly’ ‘you stupid Australian Q@@%*&…’ As you can see, the interview was cut short at this point. So lets move on to the stock market

Stocks in New Friends Inc continues to climb, while TV watching is down 24 to 5 minutes, Free internet has skyrocketed while its counterpart PartyPoker is practically bankrupt, Pacman high score remains steady at 73,000 Also rock solid is class attendance, although investors are “losing interest”, lovinURaccent has remained strong despite fierce competition, the globalization of Andrews stomach appears to have reached its peak, while toilet humor has taken a sickening plunge.

Now for the weather

The past few weeks has seen frequent smiles, with some fairly big frowns blown in from the south… and north come to think of it (deep). Slight patches of sport and homework have also made there way over.


The 7 day forecast (sorry its not a Year In the Son)

Mild to moderate homework followed by strong gale force partying. Slight patches of ice skating are expected, followed by freezing cold embarrassment, laughing is also expected to follow. Swells of up to .03 feet are set to occur in some areas.

A mold front is headed towards armpit cove and teethville but it shouldn’t get past the brush in Colgate. If it makes it to the mainland whirlwind flossy will offset its effects.
There may be a shower or two…oh and it might rain outside!!
There is also the prospect of plenty exciting times ahead


Well that concludes our broadcast, I’m Tony Tardio, stay tuned.

If you figured out what went on for me in the last while you have done well. Not too much really exciting happened and Sammy inspired me so I decide to write a different genre of trash. Anyway hope you enjoyed reading it…and you better go back and look for all the funny jokes…yes there were funny jokes in there and if you don’t laugh I will come back to Australia and beat you.

Love you all
Andrew ‘the wizard of AUS’

Get it. Well rounded as in i am fat...*no response from crowd*...yeah well i thought it was funny and that is all that matters. The world revolves around me...get it, coz i am so big. Ok i give up.

Hello there. Some of you probably thought i was dead since i havent written an update for so long. Some of you on the other hand probably wish i was dead so your inbox doesnt flood. Well too bad.

Its time for another routine inbox flood.

Here are some things americans do not know...now, there are a lot of things americans dont know but here are some things they will admit to.

Flogged- as stealing something

Chuck- as throwing something

Mate- as a friend

Bloke-as a boy/man

You're right, shes right as a reply to someone thanking you for something

Biscuits- they think scones are biscuits!

Cuttlery- they think its silverware, now we all know silverware is the stuff your mum brings out when important people come over for a meal. AKA (Good cuttlery that never gets used)

There is a first time for everything in a new country. And i have experienced the glory of a fresh start ten pin bowling. My first bowl on american soil. A strike...mind you, it wasnt really on american soil, it was in a bowlin alley on polished wood. So forget the American soil part. So anyway i ended up bowling my highest score ever, without cheating, a dismal 139.

In other sporting news i went to St Louis to play in my frist racqetball tournament. I got bundled out of B grade losing both times in 3 sets. (You play a max of 3). And in C grade i lost the first round which put me in the hack or consellation division and i ended up losing in the grandfinal in 3 sets 0 v 11, 11 v 10, 11 v 1...racquetball is a weird game. I was well and truly pantsted in the first set and then won the second. Anyway i didnt get a trophy, what a rip off.

I also recently played a game of kickball. It was the best game i have ever been involved in. I played with a busted up toe, i fell up a set of stairs earlier that day and mashed my big toe. Anyway my team was down 7 zip after the first innings but eventually 5 innings later and a whole heap of slides into base from girls, That was exciting to see! And we had won the game by 3 runs. We had this one guy who lit up and was smoking right through his run up and kick of the ball. What a contradction playing sport and smoking at the same time. How reeeediculous.

While i was in St Louis i had someone take me around to find a boogie board. A rare sight when you live 1500km from the nearest ocean. I think the 4th store we went to had one. A usless spongebob duncepants and it set me back over $20 aus. I was so desperate, we have been getting some great puddles to slide round in. But since i have bought the boogie board. NOTHING. oh well. I cant wait.

I also went to watch this production there were dancers, an awesome band, army people shooting of a cannon and doing push ups, cheerleaders but it was annoying coz every few minutes these fat chubs would interrupt with a game of football then they would get tired and the concert would resume. Useless American football. I heard we had a good Granny back in Aus. One of my friends here has recorded it for me. It will be a relief to watch a real sport.

One more thing. We were playing Kelly pool at kevs party the other night (its his birthday on tuesday for those who know him, send him an email, underboolcc@hotmail.com) anyway i had 2 balls left on the table and there were 3 other peoples balls left. I thought oh well i will just bash em as hard as i can. And guess what. All three went in, leaving mine exactly where they were. I could never do it again in a million years. I was a stoked as a hot coal.

Moving on to the weight department, as you know i was 173 pounds when i arrived and i am still a steady 173. Hahaha, buns buns as fast as you can you cant fatten me says the gingerbread man.

I have also decided i have to favorite words. One is baggataway...one of our professors is an absolute champ and we love the way he says that word so me and kev always say it. But the other one is a famous baseballers name. Pujols (pronounced poo holes) no joke. So all these americans go round saying, did you see poo holes hit the home run the other day. We thought it was so funny so anytime we think something is good we just say poo holes...maybe you have to be here. Its hillarious. Anyway watch out for him he will probably win MVP this year for major league baseball.

Moving on to other highlights.

It was a historic day when we spread on our toast, a black and ugly spread known to the world as vegemite. None of the americans liked it. To tell you the truth it isnt quite jam or honey in my books either. But i swallowed my pride and tasted some sweet patriotism...whatever.

University is going well, quite easy but you have to get 90% to get an A and 60% just to pass so i reckon it evens out.

I went to the biggest fishing store in the world. Quite fitting really, biggest fishing store, biggest bicepts...it was huge, the store that is, so much stuff. I will have to go back and explore sometime.

Kevin overtook me in the embarrassment stakes dy dropping his tray complete with plates and cuttlery but i soon had my comeback with a dropped slushee on the counter of a servo. This is gunna go right down to the wire.

There was also a wicked fireworks display put on, by God. A thunderstorm. Oh man it was so good. I got some of it on video. I watched it for ages. So much power. I was just standing there in awe.

Ill finish on a deeper note; its been interesting opening my mouth and being a celebrity. Im not being arrogant. Im being serious, if i say something people are all over it. They immediately take an interest in me and want to get to know me, i am forever getting comments on how great my accent is. Especially from the ladies. But you know what. Even though that is what most people in this world, including me, long and dream for (other people to love and accept them, to be the centre of attention) i think it is so shallow, there is something more, something better worth living for. I was just feeling really empty. Not sad. Empty. Funny when what you dream about comes true and it is not enough. Where does it get me when i am about to die, to know that everyone around me loves me. Nowhere. Living for God is not empty though and i know it will amount to something, anyway just thought i would share that.

Righto...thats enough out of me. See ya

Love andrew.